


I wanna hold you like you're mine

by giraffingallday



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Bipolar Disorder, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Other referenced mental health issues, Out of Character, THIS IS A HAPPY FIC, Theatre, also some of the characters there are just mentioned in passing, an awful overuse of commas semicolons and hyphens, carly throwing all grammar rules to the wind, how could i forget you, im sure im missing things, my covetted tag, no burn, oh yeah, turning isak into a self insert character, unfortunate villainizing of Emma, which leads to inevitable
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-12 22:09:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 24,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11171064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/giraffingallday/pseuds/giraffingallday
Summary: "I'm sorry? Who are you? And how would you know if Isak was really gay?""I’m Even, and how about because I'm his fucking boyfriend?"Huh. This was news to Isak._Isak is often nervous and just trying to get through his required semester of Theatre. Emma makes it a little harder until Even comes along and makes it too easy. He might fall in love somewhere along the way.





	1. one.

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY so anyone who knows me knows I can't write chaptered works to save my life. unfortuately im back and eager as ever to either write a good fic or disappoint everyone!
> 
> the good news is I've already written probably close to half of it and so I have a long ass time to get more words out before I have to present a new chapter to you
> 
> alright! go and enjoy my self service fic  
> (title from agnes by glass animals, if you haven't heard it yet please go listen)

**Tuesday**

Okay, yes, playing on his phone in the bathroom to avoid his first day of Theatre was childish. And yes, he knew it wouldn’t make it go away and he’d just be forced to sign up _again_ next year if he didn’t get this credit fulfilled. But a theatre requirement at a boarding school was the dumbest thing Isak had ever heard of. He _lived_ here, when he inevitably made an idiot of himself on that stage and got demoted to Tree Five or whatever he wouldn’t be able to hide after school, or avoid Jonas laughing at him on the other side of their dorm, or the way the he’d end of tripping over the tree costume and ruining the whole play when Magnus whooped at his entrance and- okay, _chill Isak_.

So maybe the real reason he was avoiding the class wasn’t even any of those reasons. Maybe the real reason was four simple letters and a short cropped head of brunette hair. Emma.

Now Isak wasn’t an asshole or anything, he was polite enough to her but the girl just didn’t seem to _get_ it. Like okay, when she first started talking to him he was pretty direct, and probably used every word except gay to tell her that he was, in fact, incredibly gay and she either didn’t pick up on it or chose to pursue him anyway? Which is really fucking weird but whatever, she wasn’t too forward so Isak had decided to ignore her not-so-subtle advances and submit to a placating friendship of sorts. She was a year under him so mostly he could avoid her except after classes, he would always go to the cafeteria. Jonas was a complete sloth when it came to studying  and never did his actual homework after class, and Isak had too much weighing on his science scholarship to risk getting swept into any form of slacking off. After class the cafeteria was always filled with a low buzz of people, a good white noise alternative to the stark silence in the library so it worked out pretty well for him.

Until Emma. Sure, Isak’s gotten really good at dulling her voice into the cafeteria’s noise and he doesn’t have some irrational hatred of girls (he loved Eva and Sana and Chris and Noora and yes, even Vilde) but sometimes Emma’s feminine voice forces it’s way to his attention and picks some awful memory in his brain of when he was in the closet and forcing himself to kiss Sara like he actually felt anything.

So of fucking _course_ when his first day of Theatre rolls around and he’s finished his last class and heading over to the room they’ll be using until they actually need the stage, the first person his eyes land on are Emma’s, mostly because she’s waving enthusiastically and patting the chair beside her. And Isak- just- turns on his heel and walks out. Because of course she’s there because usually people join in their first year to get it over with and of course Isak is the only one of his friends who fucking _didn’t_ and now he’s going to have to go at least a semester of organized and scheduled time spent with persistent Emma and no friend buffer.

And that’s what brought him to sitting in a bathroom stall and waiting until the group had gotten well into the start of their meeting to drag himself out so he can slip into the closest seat and not the one she undoubtedly saved for him.

But he stops dead in his tracks when he’s met with, with this _tall_ guy and holy Shit he’s really hot and he’s got this hair - Isak couldn’t make his hair look like that if he spent all day - and his face? Is very nice and he gives Isak this brief nod of acknowledgment like they casually made eye contact in a totally natural way and not because Isak is standing there fucking gaping at him and he really uses all will power he possesses to pull his eyes away and shuffle over to the sink to wash his hands because, yeah he was just sitting there but this guy doesn’t know that and Isak is **not** going to let him think he’s the kind of person who doesn’t wash his hands and by the time he’s finished spiralling about the importance of a good impression through hygiene he’s turning off the tap and looking to grab some paper towel and?

This guy is halfway through emptying out the entire dispenser?

Like he’s standing with this really casual pose and a joint behind his ear – where did he get that because Isak and Jonas having been trying to find a dealer since they started at this fucking school – and he looks so suave but at the same time he’s just tearing through the paper towels and fucking- he reaches his fingers – his long strong _not important Isak_ – into the dispenser and pulls out the last two and wipes them over his already dry hands before crumbling them and chucking them on top of the pile and then looking up at Isak like he just noticed he was there.

“Sorry? Did you need tissues too?” His voice is _deep_ and Isak wants to hear more of it so he nods kinda dumbly and takes the mostly untouched piece of paper towel handed to him – careful not to touch the guys hands (he’s going to call him Paper Towel Boy) in fear of going into a catatonic state – and dries his hands off as best as a single sheet of paper towel does this.

Paper Towel Boy is smirking like he’s teasing Isak and Isak really doesn’t get the joke but he doesn’t have time to consider what it might be before Paper Towel Boy is turning on his heal and walking out with nothing but “C’mon.” Thrown over his shoulder.

And listen, Isak _knows_ that following him out to that damn bench was probably a bad idea, but Paper Towel Boy has eyes that could melt Isak with a passing glance and a joint tucked securely behind his ear that he would be most interested in sharing. The boy was sat on the bench, trying to light the joint against the stubborn wind when Isak finally convinced his feet that they actually had to _move_ to see him again. He perked up just slightly when Isak sat beside him. 

 

"Good here take it." He took the joint out of his mouth and held it to Isak's lips and like- fuck yes okay, Isak was blushing just a little, "Hold your hands up so I can- yeah." A bit of teamwork had smoke filling Isak's lungs and he wasn't sure if it was really the weed that had his head going fuzzy around the edges or the way his hands had brushed Paper Towel Boy's several times in process of getting the joint lit.

 

They passed the joint back and forth several times in comfortable silence, and Isak was just building up the nerve to ask Paper Towel Boy why he invited him out here (or took all the goddamn paper towels) when a familiar brunette head popped in front of his face.

 

"Isak! Hi!"

 

"Hey, Emma."

 

"Sorry I don't want to seem like some kind of stalker." She laughed, a bit awkward but like she was trying to pretend it was flirtatious, "I just noticed you looked kind of sick and you left the theatre room so fast and so I wanted to check on you but your weren’t in the caf, like I thought you might be, cause you're like, always there after class, so I was just struck with this idea like, maybe you needed fresh air and like! It must've been fate because here you are." Her laughter was more genuine this time, lighter, but it did nothing to unsink the stone that's been in the bottom of Isak's gut since she showed up.

 

"Oh wow, that's insane." He didn't try to hide the lack of enthusiasm in his voice, though Emma failed to notice, Paper Towel Boy coughed beside him, and Isak jerked his head to look at him rather than Emma and was secretly pleased to find the ghost of a smile on his face.

 

"Anyway I was really disappointed to see you leave and we've been talking for a long time, and now that we’re gonna be spending more time together I’m like screw it! So I wanted to ask you something?" Here it comes, Isak nods for her to continue and readies his, _it's not you, it's just that I'm really fucking gay_ speech, but Emma pauses before she continues, eyes flicking to Paper Towel Boy and then back to Isak and, what was that in her eyes, was she expecting something? 

 

The small pause grew and disappointment became more clear in Emma's eyes when Isak made no move to get them privacy, instead taking the joint when he was offered and enjoying the weight of his head when it started to kick in a bit more. "Sorry? Go on." It was politer than Isak thought he was gonna manage, a little grateful he wasn't going to be a total dick when he rejected her. Again.

 

"Oh, um- yeah so basically just like- do you maybe wanna grab lunch together sometime, but as like, like a date?" She stumbled over her words and flushed lightly over her cheeks and Isak would feel bad for her if it wasn't for the fact that he's already told her, on several occasions, that he's gay.

 

"Uh, Emma, you know I'm gay right?" Isak could feel eyes, more specifically, he could feel Paper Towel Boy's eyes on him, and for something he couldn't see it was an intense stare.

 

"Well it's just that I heard you used to date Sara so I thought maybe you were joking?"

 

"Uh? Nope I really am?" Where was she going with this?

 

"I actually heard it's really harmful to the gay community to pretend you're gay so if you aren't interested you can just tell me. But you don't exactly seem gay." Emma was getting almost hostile and Isak was getting tense, like physically and mentally, he really didn't feel like revealing his personal story of discovering his sexuality to this girl just because they were both in a theatre group he never even wanted to join.

 

"And I actually heard it's really harmful to the gay community to tell people they have to look or act a certain way to be gay." Isak whipped his head around to see Paper Towel Boy giving Emma the most chilling stare, immediately praying to whatever powers that be that he's never on the receiving end of that look.

 

"I'm sorry? Who are you? And how would you know if Isak was really gay?" Emma fired back, getting riled up enough now that Isak barely had time to think about it before he was scooting away from her and a little closer to Paper Towel Boy.

 

His heart stopped when the tall boy took notice of this and hooked two fingers into Isak's belt loop to pull him flush to his side. Isak jumped, focusing on not letting his blush go up to his ears and to remember to feel grateful that the weed was helping him remain calm. He saw a lazy casual smirk grow over Paper Towel Boy's face as he moved his arm so it instead slung around Isak's shoulders, "I’m Even, and how about because I'm his fucking boyfriend?"

 

Huh. This was news to Isak.

 

And Emma was, well shocked is definitely one word for the face she is pulling. Isak can’t figure out what her _thing_ is, he wants to say a heteronormative sense of self righteousness but also doesn’t want to look like an ass if that’s not it.

 

The weird thing he’s come to notice at this school is that more often than not, when he meets someone new they came to this school because there’s something that they need a pill or a ritual or fucking breathing technique to handle, and the controlled environment here helps. Jonas needs to turn the lights on and off either 7 or 11 times – depends on the month, right now its October, 31 days, lights go on and off 7 times, February is always a mess – before he can go to sleep, Magnus can’t focus on anything for longer than thirty seconds when he’s _on_ his ADD meds, and then there’s Isak who jumps at any loud noise, or tenses when someone approaches with footsteps that could be angry, or doesn’t like being touched before he’s been _warned_ (one of the reasons he chose Sara when he decided he needed to prove he was straight was because she was the same way, one good thing he got from their relationship was that they could talk about their family without worrying the other was pitying them).

 

And Even’s arm around his shoulder came with no warning, so all Isak can do while Emma scoffs and mutters something about actually caring about the theatre group before storming off is sit and breathe and hope he isn’t too tense. When she’s completely out of sight he lets out a little breath of relief that Even moves his arm away, but makes no move to create space between where they were pressed together.

 

“Sorry that was weird; you just looked like you could use an easy out.” Even muttered and yeah, his voice was deep and so smooth but also Isak couldn’t help but hear the nervous tone, the way Even was looking at him like he _knew_ Isak’s past in ways he didn’t share with anyone. Like he was someone who could explode.

 

“No it was okay, I just, um, I’m not really big on like, touching? Like this,” He gestured to where their bodies met, “is okay, but anything else, just let me know before you do it? Yelling too, just makes me a little antsy. Sorry.” He cringed and definitely couldn’t stop the pink of his cheeks from darkening and moving up to his ears; it was _dumb,_ he didn’t like how something as simple as a hard knock at the door could jar his movements. He also knew that being anything less than straight forward with someone, even if he never saw them again, was always a better idea than just hoping they don’t touch or shout.

 

But Even just shook his head, “Don’t apologize. I probably should though; she mentioned the Theatre group right? I’m in that too.”

 

Isak’s eyes went wide, forget Emma, he was going to have to control himself around _this guy_ for the entire semester? Oh god, was he going to have to pretend to be his _boyfriend_? “Oh. Um. Do you think we’ll have to keep up this whole boyfriend thing then?” He looked away from Even, down at his hands as his ears grew warm once more, _please say yes please say yes please sa-_

“Shit. I didn’t think that one through did I? I can go tell her if you want?” Isak’s heart sank at Even’s words; he must not have done a very good job hiding the disappointment when he turned his face back to Even’s because he watched the corner of his lips quirk when he took a final drag of the remaining bud of the joint before letting it drop to the pavement and die out. “Or not? We could play it up a little, get her off your back?”

 

“Okay.”

 

_

 

Even gives Isak his number and promises to text him all night like any good fake boyfriend should, goes to clap him on the shoulder as a way of goodbye but freezes when Isak’s eyes bulge and he shrinks back just slightly at the raised hand. They pause like that for second, both unsure and Isak nods before Even rests the hand gently on his shoulder, squeezing softly and letting it trail over to his neck to stroke a thumb over the soft skin under his jaw. Isak can’t repress the shiver that goes down his spine and Even’s smile this time is soft. And then Even’s hand is gone and Isak is ignoring how disappointed he feels in favour of excusing himself to go get some homework done – they missed the rest of the Theatre meeting.

 

He goes back to his dorm, greets Jonas before letting him watch Isak wipe his shoes on their front mat exactly five times per foot and makes an accusing expression when Isak comes closer, “Bro! You smell like weed where did you get it? Why didn’t you share?” He doesn’t yell, they’re mindful of each other’s things, but he definitely sounds shocked, Isak’s steps still jar a little but what’s new.

 

“That’s not even half of it. I met this _guy_. His name is Even and I think he’s my fake boyfriend?” He strides across the room, flopping onto his bed and sighing, the look he gets from Jonas has him reciting the whole account of what happened.

 

_

 

“Okay first of all, we can’t tell Magnus, love the guy but he’s got a big mouth. If he sees anything we’ll just have to pretend it’s for real. Real. Real. Real.” Jonas said the word with different inflections until it was right. “Back.” Sometime during Isak’s story Jonas came over to his bed, and let Isak curl pathetically into his side. Now that they were discussing the pros and cons of the outcome, Jonas gave his usual one word warning before a comforting hand started rubbing Isak’s back.

 

It was platonic, it didn’t take long to get over the crush he had on Jonas after all the drama with Eva, even if he had a small hand in what happened. He didn’t mean to ruin his best friend’s relationship when he encouraged Vilde that there was nothing wrong with being a lesbian, he didn’t think his words and some alcohol would have her march over to Eva and proceed to make out with the girl for several long minutes while Isak watched in shock.

 

“Jonas I think this might kill me.” Isak was being sulky, he didn’t do it often but he wanted to right now, Even was _hot_ and Isak was going to let him touch and flirt and it wasn’t going to _mean_ anything. What the fuck.

“Me too. You gotta stop whining though, let me up I’m going to do the light and go to bed.” Isak rolled over begrudgingly, “And you’re phone’s been lighting up non-stop.” Jonas added while beginning to flick the light switch, counting silently to himself. Isak sat up fast at that, fumbling for his phone to find a notification telling him _Even_ _(9) unread messages_ ; the blue heart by his name was something they both agreed made it more convincing, so what it Isak was put off that he couldn’t customize it to perfectly match the striking tone of Even’s eyes.

 

_Even: so when should i show up, y’know so it’s convincing but doesn’t look staged_

_Even: i see you in the cafeteria a lot_

_Even: shit was that creepy?_

_Even: oh yeah and also_

_Even: Emma’s gonna expect me to touch you, any strong no touching places?_

_Even: how do you feel about cheek kisses, forehead kisses, and hand holding?_

_Even: are you ignoring me or one of those people who actually focuses on their work when they study_

_Even: am i fake dating a genius?_

_Even: it isn’t very nice to ignore your boyfriend you know_

_til Even: sorry sorry phone was silent, um you can come to the cafeteria, but not all the time, and don’t stay too long, emmas usually there but youve never been and i dont let my friends come because its distracting, so it would look suspicious if you were just there all of a sudden_

_Even: dont apologize, and its not that suspicious_

_til Even: why not?_

_Even: she often catches me staring, you not letting your friends come would be a good cover story for why i keep my distance_

And- okay, Isak isn’t even going to Touch that because honestly, what?

 

_til Even: um, okay, for touching, sorry this is so embarrassing jesus, neck is okay but not more than one hand at a time, arms okay but not too tight, back is always good when it’s light touches try to avoid pressing hard, all the stuff you said is okay but like, you dont have to do that stuff if she really doesnt believe me we just call it quits and let her chase me for the next two years_

_Even: let me be a little selfish, i asked about those things because i wanted to_

What the fuck? Isak’s ears and cheeks burned, Jonas was in their bathroom going through his night time ritual, so he couldn’t help, but, was - was Even flirting?

 

_Even: can you do me a favour?_

_til Even: i can try_

_Even: please stop apologizing to me_

_til Even: oh_

_til Even: sorry_

_Even: Isak_

_til Even: right_

_Even: ill see you tomorrow? cafeteria after classes?_

_til Even: okay_

Isak’s chest felt weird, his stomach felt twisted and he plugged in his phone to charge overnight with a horrible realization.

 

He had a stupid fucking crush.


	2. two.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some more turning emma into a villain unfortunately, and also some gentle touches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HALLO!!!!! it's half an hour to midnight so technically this is a tuesday update but we'll just ignore that
> 
> i'd just like to thank everyone for all their kind words and the positive response for this so far! im really excited to know that you're all enjoying it, and i hope my second chapter doesn't disappoint! (it's currently my shortest chapter :^( i finished chapter five today and they all average around 3500, while this one is just under 3000 )

**Wednesday**

“Hei!”

Isak looked up and sighed, everytime someone walked up to his table all he could think about was finding out if everything that happened yesterday was a dream. It couldn’t have been, he had the texts, but something in the back of his head kept reminding Isak, _Even is too good for you, he’s cool, nice, **hot** , no one will ever believe he would go for **you**. He would never go for you._ He tried his best to ignore those thoughts, but even when they didn’t make sense he had trouble avoiding them. This he was agreeing.

“Hey.” Emma sat down at Isak’s half hearted greeting, a wide beam on her face.

“No Even?” So she did think he was lying, what was with her?

“He’s never been here before? Why would that change now?”

“Well I thought maybe now that you were out, I talked to Vilde, and she said she had no idea you were dating Even. Couldn’t wait to tell Eva. Weird that none of your friends knew.” Shit. First years are so fucking addicted to gossip, and Vilde’s had the personality of a first year since she was born. This was going to be all over the school. The school where he lived. Jesus Christ.

“Jonas knows. I just don’t see a need to make sure everyone is up to date on my relationship status.” He scoffed and shook his head, “Like I’m some walking Facebook profile or something.”

Emma opened her mouth to retaliate but her face fell when she looked past Isak, following whatever she was looking at with her eyes until Even came into view, she could stare all she pleased, all Isak wanted to see was that smile Even was flashing him because, god it was blinding.

Even pulled the chair on the other side of the table over so he could sit closer to Isak, plopping down and nodding to him, “How were your classes babe?” The word rolled off his tongue so easily and echoed in Isak’s ears, he’d be okay if it was the only thing he heard for the rest of his life, “Can I hold your hand? I have a surprise.”

“Why are you asking to hold his hand? You’re his boyfriend.” Emma’s voice caused Isak’s movements to stutter as he was offering his hand to Even, Even simply turned it over so his palm faced up and ran a soothing thumb across Isak’s lifeline, methodically thumb to wrist and coaxing his muscles to untense.

“It’s really weird actually, he has these things called boundaries, and I choose to respect them.” Even’s voice was so polite, and he kept rubbing Isak’s palm while he talked and that should’ve been weird right? Why wasn’t it weird? And yeah, Emma looked like she was just slapped across the face, but Isak found a smile tugging at his lips. “I’m really glad I met you yesterday Emma, I don’t usually like to interrupt Isak during his studying, but maybe we can keep each other company from now on while my little genius works.”

If Emma looked disappointed before, she’d taken it to a whole other level when Isak spoke, forcing familiarity into his voice over the deep flush that was going to take a permanent residence on his face if Even kept talking this way, “What? Are you trying to steal my friends?” Isak laughed and Even grinned back at him, “Enough of this, where is my surprise?” Even actually laughed this time and, forget ‘babe’, Isak only ever wanted to hear that laugh until the day he died.

“Tsk, what a diva, no patience. Here you go.” He ignored Isak’s irritated scoff at the word diva, pulled something out of his pocket and placed it in Isak’s hand. When Even didn’t let go of the soft grip he had holding up Isak’s hand, he used his free one to pick up the paper and read it, though he didn’t really get a chance to before Even was speaking again,“It’s a movie ticket. How does a date night sound? They’re playing Romeo and Juliet at the theatre as a sort of special event, and I think it’s time you see it.”

Isak’s confusion must’ve been clear on his face because Even chuckled and shook his head, letting go of Isak’s hand, “Can I touch your cheek?” Isak nodded and Even touched and Isak pretended he didn’t know it was all for show, leaning into it as Even fiddled with a longer curl near his ear. “Don’t worry, I’ll find some way to thank you for putting up with all my movie stuff.”

“You didn’t have to buy this.” It was thinly veiled to fit their charade, but even Emma knew that Isak didn’t thoroughly enjoy receiving gifts. So it added up enough.

Even’s expression softened around the edges and he slowly dropped his hand from Isak’s face, “I wanted to.”

“Jeez! You guys need to get a room!” Emma’s voice was brash and loud when she was jealous, and the interruption should’ve been more expected but Isak was too busy worrying about if the whole school could hear how his heart was hammering, she forced out a sharp laugh and his knee hit the table.

“Sorry, I can’t help myself around this one, but I have to go, don’t wanna ruin your guys’ time, I hear after class studying it a tradition.” Even stood and Isak’s heart sunk when he remembered he’d have to actually continue with his homework, with Emma, who perked up and waved brightly as Even walked away. He turned to walk backwards away from the table, Isak couldn’t help but roll his eyes and smile, mouthing _so cool_ at his fake boyfriend and receiving a wink in return.

_

Even might have left, and Emma may have picked up where she had left off on her life narrative two days ago, but his phone remained dutifully by his side as he finished off his assignment and pulled open his phone’s conversation with Even.

_til Even: you really didn’t have to buy me a ticket_

_til Even: let me pay you back for it, you shouldn’t have to spend your money for my weird attempt to get some girl off my back_

_Even: im hurt </3_

_Even: i try to treat a cute boy to a nice educational viewing of the greatest romance movie of all time, and he tries to pay me back, ive been rejected in the cruelest way_

_til Even: sorry i think you have the wrong number? youre trying to reach a cute boy im afraid its just isak_

_Even: oh? was that a joke? you might want to work on that skill before you try it on anyone else_

_til Even: what?! that was a good joke! im super funny! its probably just too advanced for you, im actually the master of humour so it takes someone really developed to get my jokes_

_Even: is that so? i guess you’ll just have to teach me your ways_

Isak was smiling to himself, and not blushing for once; he locked his phone and double checked he had completed everything he needed before starting to put away his things. He was going to say his usual goodbye to Emma but she, wasn’t there? Isak’s smile got a whole lot bigger as he walked back to his room to find the boys still there, all crowded on Jonas’s bed and discussing something excitedly.

“-and of course when Eva said that Vilde told her I was skeptical so I wanted to just make sure with you! Because that’s really- Isak! Boyfriend!” Mangus was talking a mile a minute, though his volume was impressively controlled, hands flying so Mahdi could keep up, eyes wide, and blonde hair flipping as he looked from Jonas to Mahdi and then back at Isak again. “Hello?! Boyfriend?!” Isak finished wiping his feet and toed off his shoes, going to sit on his own bed. He avoided close quarters with Magnus when he was hyper like this, Magnus could hardly mind when he needed to know _everything_ and _now_.

He dropped his phone and ticket onto the mattress beside him and smiled, nodding bashfully, “Yeah, he’s taking me to a movie tomorrow after Theatre.” They had their own sign for theatre, it was like the sign for shit but when they pulled their thumb down they sort of hooked it up to make a T, Jonas had thought of it.

“Oh. My. God. Can we come?” Magnus was practically pleading and Isak gawked at him before turning to Mahdi and waiting till he was done laughing to sign.

“ _How did you put up with him before you met us?_ ”

“ _It’s probably easier when you can just look away and no longer have to listen._ ” Everyone started laughing at this; Magnus looked a bit put out but was more focused on his question.

“So we can’t go with you?”

“Fy faen Magnus _no_. It’s a date why would I want my friends there?” Jonas and Mahdi broke off into their own conversation, so Magnus and Isak stopped signing.

“Right! Sorry. I just thought if we met him we could make sure he knows everything. Like your touching thing, or your yelling thing and all that.” He hung his head a bit sheepishly and Isak’s heart warmed. Even if Magnus didn’t always fully understand social standards, he always did his best to be a good friend anyway.

“That’s- that’s really nice Magnus. But Even knows, so don’t worry about me.” He paused for a minute before adding, “Hug?”

Magnus’ face broke out into a massive grin and he wasted no time in scooting off Jonas’ bed to go and throw his arms around Isak, who chuckled softly but returned the hug with equal enthusiasm. Yeah. His friends were pretty great.

_

“So, do I need to clear out for a bit tomorrow evening? I have to be back by curfew but.” Jonas waggled his eyebrows; now that Magnus and Mahdi had left there was a suggestive earnestly behind them that had Isak _really_ blushing.

“Nei! Nei nei nei! Oh my god, please. No Jonas it’s still fake.” The disappointment in his voice was too clear and Jonas chuckled, sort of sympathetically. But could you really blame him? Even had been an incredible boyfriend, he was perfect, and he dutifully accommodated Isak’s _things_ , and charming, and kind, and his eyes, oh god, crushes should be illegal, all they do is mess up your head.

“Really? Man you must be really crushing then. Eva said that Emma’s told Vilde he was all over you. He does know about touching you right?” The concern was clear in his voice and yeah, Isak definitely had the best friends in the world.

“Yeah he does, you know my counsellor is always telling me I have to be upfront, so I told him right away.” He didn’t like the word therapist; it tasted bad on his tongue, “And Emma was _really_ jealous, he only touched my hand to give me the ticket.”

“And it’s not a real date? Is Emma coming or something? Why did he do that?”

“I don’t _know_! He’s weird and I don’t get it and I’m hoping maybe – ” Isak couldn’t finish his sentence, couldn’t voice his hope that maybe, just maybe, Even was flirting, or actually thought he was cute, or even just wanted to be Isak’s _friend_. “We’ll be in Theatre tomorrow and straight from there to the movie, maybe it’ll help clear my head to be alone with him. Because he won’t have to pretend.”

Jonas hummed and nodded, “I know you can’t have your phone going off during class but you really have to start remembering to turn your ringer back on after. It’s been lighting up.” He said it kind of distractedly, digging into his bag to pull out a textbook, but Isak knew that at this point news of him and Even had to have spread across the school. Jesus this really was a bad idea wasn’t it?

“Shit.” He grabbed his phone and flicked it off of silent, he had several from Eva, too many from Vilde, a couple from an Emma – probably something about why she left early – Magnus and Mahdi were talking about something in their group chat, and then at the bottom of it all, Even’s blue heart stared back at him unwavering. He’d look at his messages from Even last or else he wouldn’t get to any of the others at all.

_

_Eva: Is this true that you’ve gotten a boyfriend without telling me?!_

_Eva: Vilde wanted to show me a picture because she’s in theatre with you guys, we can’t find him on insta/facebook?_

_Eva: He’s directing?? You’re so lucky he’s going to give you something easy. Last year I was an understudy for the lead I felt like I had to be her personal bodyguard so they didn’t put me on stage!_

_Eva: Isak, I have too much homework to come track you down. I’m not upset I’m actually really happy for you! Just wish you told me_

_til Eva: Sorry I didn’t tell you, only Jonas knew, everything is pretty new_

_til Eva:_ <3

_

_Vilde: Isak!!! You didn’t tell me you were dating Even?!_

_Vilde: He’s directing our play you know; he’s very smart and cool, he’ll be really good for expanding your social circle_

_Vilde: But just, why did you tell Emma before any of us? I thought you didn’t like her that much?_

_til Vilde: She caught me and Even hanging out and started doing that thing where she tries to get me to admit I’m not gay or whatever? He told her to get her to back off_

_til Vilde: Sorry_

___

_Emma: Sorry I left earlier without saying anything, I just felt like a third wheel_

_Emma: It would be nice if you could apologize for isolating me like that??_

_Emma: OK I guess I’ll just see you in theatre tomorrow then?_

___

_Magnus: did you guys see this??<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k_cnlQmsScU>_

_Mahdi: Bro that’s fucking awesome do you know her name?_

_Magnus: Amber Galloway Gallego, she has a whole page for stuff like this_

_Mahdi: SUBSCRIBED_

_Magnus: I should do this!! like professionally like her_

_Mahdi: No offence but you’ll never be as cool as her, you’re too desperate_

_Magnus: I’m not desperate! I’m so chill_

_Mahdi: right. so chill_

_

So Even was his director? Was that what he wanted to do?  He mentioned ‘his movie shit’ when he gave Isak the ticket, he wondered how much Even knew about movies, or how much Isak didn’t. Film and theatre directing seemed pretty different though, he wondered if Even agreed to hold a script and pen, but itched for a camera. Isak kind of itched to see him behind one.

_

_Even: i know i said it was time you watched Romeo and Juliet but have you actually seen it?_

_Even: Because if it really isn’t your thing we could always do something else, but you’ll lose your second surprise_

_til Even: i haven’t seen it, still tempting to make you ditch the romance movie, what’s my second surprise, gotta know what im missing_

_Even: no way, you don’t get a choice if you haven’t seen it, you’ll be getting surprise number two so it has to stay a secret_

_til Even: tell me pleaseeeeeee, i hate waiting its the most boring part of getting something_

And surprises made his skin tingle with something unpleasant but he only needed to make Even think he was so much of a freak.

_Even: surprises bad? or are you just impatient :^)_

Okay, so Even saw right through him, what’s new,  he’s known the guy twenty four hours and he’s peeling back every single one of Isak’s protective layers like they weren’t as close as Isak could possibly make to impenetrable, like he was flipping through a catalogue and taking mental inventory what was inside. Whatever.

_til Even: im not like, really crazy, i just dont know you well yet, its a bit more about uncertainty_

_til Even: i can wait, it’s not a big deal_

_Even: it doesn’t have to be a big deal for me to want to consider how you feel_

_Even: its a carousel, so dress warm, we’ll be back before curfew but it’s cold_

And, oh, that was actually- really romantic? Like- okay yeah he had a crush and had one bad but also, he never even mentioned a carousel to Emma so was he just doing it for Isak? Why?

“Why are you looking at your phone like it might burn you?” Jonas dragged him from his thoughts and his movements jarred slightly, but when he looked up he saw curiously knit eyebrows and felt his face heat up,

“I think he’s taking me to a carousel tomorrow?”

“Is that, a bad thing or?” Jonas’ voice had softened, confusion etching its way into his expression.

“No it’s just – he didn’t mention it to Emma. So he’s just doing it, because?” His phone vibrated in his hand and he realized he hadn’t replied to Even.

_Even: if that isn’t okay we can just go see the movie, but my friend said he could give me the key to start it, i thought it might be cool_

_til Even: sorry, just my roommate distracting me, it sounds fun :)_

_Even: its a plan then :^)_

_til Even: okay seriously who adds noses to their smilies?_

_Even: it adds character!_

_til Even: right._

He looked up from his phone smiling, Jonas had a knowing smirk on his lips, he mimicked the sound of a whip, five or six times to get it right, and Isak’s smiled refused to falter, Jonas laughed and shook his head, “Dude you are _so_ gone."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAND their date will be revealed to all of you lovelies on sunday's update, as always you can come yell at me at my tumblr


	3. three.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak and Even have a date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally i am giving you some good content!!! lets goooooooo

**Thursday**

Isak was thrumming with energy. He had ten minutes left of class, five minutes of walking to the green room (Even had been educating him on theatre terms, apparently that’s what _thespians_ call a room they get ready in), and then only one or two minutes of waiting for Even to arrive and he’d get to be with him for the entire evening. Yeah, it made him sound pathetic, but he couldn’t care less as long as it got him through Theatre with Emma. When the bell finally, finally rang he bee lined out the door and down the hallway, tunnel vision so focused that when a hand grabbed his wrist to stop him he lurched away with enough violence to almost reach the other side of the hall.

He looked around, trying to take in the students that littered the hall to figure out who grabbed him like that, eyes widening when he saw Even’s apologetic gaze looking back at him.

“Sorry! That was my bad. You really rushed out of there though? I thought we could walk together.” Even covered the space that distanced them in a only a couple strides – _Jesus_ his legs were long – and his smile didn’t falter at the blank stare he received from Isak in return, he wasn’t upset with Even, just distracted with controlling his pulse and reminding himself that he was far _far_ away from his parents.

“Sorry I jumped, uh, I didn’t know there were any third year classes down this hall?” He tried to fix his face into some semblance of a smile, he didn’t know if it was working, but Even’s face twisted into something embarrassed.

“Don’t apologize; I have my free period last class on Thursdays so I just, asked around to see if anyone knew where your classroom was. I met Eva? She said you have Norwegian here. So I kinda hung out?” Isak knew his smile was a little more genuine, and Even’s eyes crinkled at the edges as he jerked his head towards the end of the hall, “C’mon _babe_ we can’t be late.” He offered Isak his hand and it felt almost alarmingly normal when he linked their fingers together, both smiling to themselves as they walked to the green room.

_

“You asked before, about like, cheek kisses and stuff?” They had paused in the hallway by their door, it was pretty crowded, so Isak and Even stood close and off to the side, no one seemed to pay them any attention.

“Mhm?” Isak couldn’t bring him to look up, too embarrassed by the inevitable colour of his cheeks, but he could hear the smirk in Even’s voice, softly urging him to go on.

“So with those, or really any touching once we’ve already- like, okay. Right now you’re holding my hand, so if you used your other hand to touch my arm, I would, only- yeah.” He gave a minute jerk when Even’s hand came to his cheek, listening intently with a little furrow in his brow. “It’s just a physical instinct I’ve adapted or something? That’s how my- uh, my counsellor described it. Because that didn’t make me nervous. Do you know what I mean?” He didn’t see how Even _could_ know what he meant when he barely managed to finish one of his many rambling sentences but the taller boy nodded, a smile starting to grow on his lips.

“Are you embarrassed?” He changed the subject and his thumb rubbed over the round of Isak’s cheek, where the colour was brightest, Isak shook his head fervently, frowning – _not_ pouting – at Even. “You’re cheeks are very warm for someone who isn’t embarrassed. I hope you don’t have a fever! Might ruin our night out.” He raised his eyebrows and laughed when Isak only deepened his glare, tightening the hand that held Even’s and storming past to pull him into the green room.

“You’re our director, stop making us late by bullying me.” He grumbled, and apparently he wouldn’t have time to further berate the laughing boy behind him because as soon as Vilde caught sight of their linked hands she ran at him, abandoning the conversation she was having with Emma who watched them from across the room with a look of jealous distaste.

“Even!” Vilde’s high voice was incredibly cheerful, “Wow, you two make a gorgeous couple!” Isak flushed and Even laughed, releasing Isak’s hand in exchange for wrapping an arm around his waist and pulling him close so he could brush his lips across the side of Isak’s temple and, wow. Alright.

“I’m afraid that’s all Isak. He definitely draws the eyes.” Even’s voice was just so _fond_ and if he wasn’t directing their play surely he’d receive the lead role because he was doing a good job convincing Isak he meant it, and he was the only one who knew it was a lie.

“Oh no! You’re both lovely! I was telling Isak that this is going to be very good for both of your social lives. Everyone wants to be around an attractive couple believe me; I gained a lot of friends when I started dating Eva!” She laughed and Even smiled and nodded as she continued to chat, his hand unwavering with it’s almost, possessive hold of his waist. It wasn’t until he drew his eyes away from Vilde’s happy chattering to steal a glance at Even’s face, but – his eyes weren’t on Vilde, they were looking across the room, at _Emma_. And Emma was staring right back, she flicked her eye’s to Isak and the corner of her mouth twitched up in a smile, as if him looking at her instead of Even meant something. The hand on his waist tightened.

“Okay everyone, let’s get this started! Yesterday was fun but we do have a production to put on so if everyone could find a seat – Isak! So good of you to show up today!” Their teacher – aka the staff member who agreed to supervise them so there wasn’t a brawl or destruction of property – approached where he stood, still tucked against Even’s side, “And Even! Perfect, I expect you’ll keep Mr. Valtersen on task, I’ve got a stack of scripts on that chair for you. And a clipboard for writing down our backstage crew. I’ll be at my desk playing solitare if you need anything.” She smiled and walked off, and Even rubbed Isak’s side before dropping his arm.

“I guess I’m leading this thing then!” He greeted everyone as they started to find seats, glancing back at Isak to make sure he followed and shoving the pen that sat on top of the stack of papers behind his ear.

Isak sat with his hands pressed between his legs and watched Even in favour of watching everyone else watch Even, their play was Romeo and Juliet and like, does this guy have a complex? He talked about the movie he was taking Isak to see, how it turned the classic into something modern and artistic and that he was hoping they could translate that on stage, he got really animated and excited; even the first years that would rather be literally anywhere else seemed to listen. Isak was enthralled with the way he spoke, it was something magical.

They did a cold reading with volunteers after Even teased Isak, asking if he’d read for Romeo – he denied but Even smiled anyway, “That’s okay, you’re more of a Juliet.” Everyone laughed and Isak flushed red but somehow it didn’t feel like insult. The reading ended up taking most of their time; it was the opening bit of the play and Even stopped people _a lot_ for tips on inflection and delivery, writing down names and notes until the first pages of his script had more ink from his pen than the printer it came out of.

Even promised everyone they would do a proper audition, and asked for volunteers for crew and backstage, taking note of what everyone wanted to do and promising to have it sorted by Tuesday. Even wrote _Isak_ down under Sound Booth and when Isak raised an eyebrow he only replied with a wink – Isak noted fondly that Even couldn’t actually wink, it was more of a blink with one eye moving slower than the other.

Once they finished their ‘official’ meeting business Isak lost sight of Even as he was hit with a swarm of people. From what Isak could make out where he waited away from the crowd, Even handled them really well, giving out his phone number to anyone who asked, apologizing earnestly whenever he had to let someone know he wasn’t actually on any social media, no not even Snapchat.

Isak was pulled from his staring when his line of sight got cut off by Emma, smiling with something Isak couldn’t quite read, “So much for movie night huh? He’s never getting out of there.” It was a joke, thinly veiled but, Isak really couldn’t be bothered.

“Everyone likes him, I’m really glad he gets to be so in his element for this.” Isak found the statement was a little too honest but Emma nodded away distractedly.

“I’m going to audition; I don’t like any of that heavy lifting backstage stuff. I hope I get Juliet. Are you going to be Romeo? I hope Even isn’t the jealous type.” She was grinning but Isak just looked at her a little baffled, in what world would she get the impression that he’d want to be on stage, let alone the lead?

“I’m doing the sound booth actually. I don’t know really what that is but Even signed me up for it.” He shrugged and her face sunk.

“Isn’t that where you sit at the back of the theatre and control sounds and stuff? That would be pretty isolated.” God he hopes so.

“I’m not really a social guy. Unlike Even.” He nodded to where Even stood, crowd pretty much dispersed save for a few first year girls who seemed very excited to be working on the play with him, he was look at them with nothing but kindness, answering their questions and taking a quick glance up, making eye contact with Isak.

His smile grew into something else and he checked his phone, eyebrows shooting up and making a polite end to the conversation so he could address everyone after he had walked over to Isak. “Thank you so much to everyone for your enthusiasm and questions, I definitely see you’re all putting my unlimited text messages to good use already.” There was a chuckle around the room, “Anyone wanting to audition should grab a script, it’d be really cool if you could familiarize yourself a little with the balcony scene, I’ll be pairing you up so all the boys read for Romeo and all the girls read for Juliet and we’ll go from there? We can do that on Tuesday but now I’ve got a date with my boy, so we’ll be leaving. Thank you again!” He had a hand over his heat and he ducked his head at the sounds of endearment that filled the room.

Then he turned his attention to Isak and held out an arm, letting it fall over his shoulders when Isak easily fitted into the space created for him. “We have a little bit before the movie, were you guys in the middle of something?” He smiled in greeting at Emma who pressed her lips into a thin line, shaking her head.

“Nope, you two go have fun.” Her voice was tight but Even payed it no mind, leaning over and pressing his lips to Isak’s cheek.

“Alright, we’ll see you! Let’s go _min sol_.” He murmured the last bit just loud enough into Isak’s ear for Emma to hear. And at this point Isak wondered if he was actually walking beside Even or being dragged by the same force that was magically keeping him up right because this boy was slowly but surely killing him.

_

When they got to their theatre it was delightfully empty, they sat in the back and their only company was a small selection of strangers scattered in the rows in front of them. Even put the arm rest between them up, “Trust me, you’ll need a shoulder to cry on.” He teased and Isak raised his eyebrows unimpressed. Just because Even said he would didn’t mean he was going to cry over some dumb overused romance plot. He huffed and leaned against Even anyway, it was casual enough, platonic enough, Isak could let himself indulge.

When the movie started Even lifted his arm to once again wrap it around Isak’s shoulder, if Isak curled in a little closer, neither of them said anything about it.

_

Okay. Okay this so wasn’t fair. The movie was fucking _sad_ everyone knows this, everyone knows Romeo and Juliet is one of the ultimate tragedies, Isak didn’t even cry that much. But Even was laughing like it was the funniest thing he’d seen all week, making little coo sounds and adding to the depth of the pit Isak was planning to dig so he had something to fling himself into. “Hey it’s not so bad.” He soothed, poorly disguised laughter making its way out through a chuckle when Isak only glared in return.

He reached down to wipe a stubborn tear that fell down Isak’s cheek while the credits rolled, “It’s not funny! You’re an emotionless ass or something. How did you not cry?” He defended, his voice was a little broken, sure, wet eyes blinking so he could clearly see Even, who’s laughter had calmed and expression softened, tutting his tongue. He gave Isak’s shoulder’s a quick squeeze and a soft pat before reaching into the pocket of his denim jacket and pulling out a strange looking key attached to a heavy keychain.

“Let’s go, we still have a few hours until curfew.”

_

The carousel was _gorgeous_ , it was crazy extravagant and when Isak left Even’s side to go look at the intricate horses he gasped with surprise when the lights came on and classical music flowed quietly out of the speakers. He whipped his head around to find Even at the control panel smiling wildly at him and he grinned back with equal energy before resuming what he was doing before, more specifically, finding the best horse.

The one he decided on was on the inner ring, a porcelain wreath of bright yellow sunflowers around its neck. He hopped up and sat on it sideways, facing out into the darkness before realizing he had gone far enough around that he could no longer see Even. The platform gave a little lurch and startled Isak into grabbing the pole with both hands, flashing narrow eyes at Even when he had gone far enough around to see him waiting at the base to hop on. “Could’ve warned me.” He muttered as Even mirrored Isak’s position on the horse parallel to his, it had tiny blue flowers decorating it’s mane, it’s jet black colour a stark contrast for the blinding white of the one Isak sat on.

“I would’ve been able to warn you if you didn’t disappear as soon as we got here.” Even shot back, but his voice was light, and he looked at Isak with something he couldn’t quite place, something gentle.

“You’re friend operates this thing?” Even hummed out a confirmation while Isak looked around at all the details before turning back to face him, “Doesn’t it bother him to see kids running around on it every day? They’re so destructive and this is so... I dunno, nice.”

Even smiled and shook his head, “No, Yousef _really_ likes kids, he talks all the time about how he’s gonna have like, twelve of them one day.” He laughed at the way Isak crinkled his nose and hoped off his horse so he could stand in front of Isak, Even was so tall that even sat up on the carousel horse Isak was only just barely taller than him. He moved his hand slowly, pushing softly between Isak’s eyebrows to smooth the lines there and, yeah, this was okay, this was good. Something about Even was so, well paced.

“How are you always so calm?” He frowned at the laugh Even let out at his question, and allowed the lines to be pressed away again by the persistent swipe of Even’s thumb. He tried to not look disappointed when Even let his hand fall away. There was no one to act for here; it wouldn’t make sense for him to continue to touch. “Sorry was that weird?”

“No no it’s just-” He paused, searching Isak’s face before making some internal decision to continue, “I’m bipolar. I only laughed because the first time I was ever here I was trespassing while I was manic and almost broke the control panel. Now I’m in the same place and you’re asking me how I stay calm.” Isak gave his own little laugh at the story, it _was_ pretty funny to be fair, but he looked at Even with a curious gaze.

“What’s that like? Being manic?” Yeah, it was a shitty question; Isak can’t always watch his big mouth okay?

Even didn’t seem to mind, “It’s like being on fire, but liking it. Like knowing that because you’re covered in flames they’re the only thing that could hurt you because no one else wants to get burned.” Isak kind of understood, he’d never been manic sure, but he knows what it feels like to want to make yourself hurt so bad no one else’s torment matters anyway.

“I get it I think, in a way.” He was looking down at his hands, picking at a loose threat on the cuff of his coat, and the carousel came to a slow stop, the music faded out and the lights shut off all at once, the loud sound of their switches flipping simultaneously inside the machinery making Isak jump, only flinching afterwards a little when Even’s hands instinctively caught his waist so he wouldn’t fall.

They look at each other for a long moment, hardly able to see in the sudden black. Even’s hands didn’t move, Isak could feel his fingers flex over his layers; it sent a strange chill through him. Even shuffled a little closer, his face taking up Isak’s field of vision, features muted by the darkness that settled around them. The air seemed to change, Isak watched Even’s eyes as they flicked down, looking at his mouth. Nervous and watched, Isak’s tongue darted out to lick his lips. Even’s eyelids dropped just a little, and Isak’s lips parted slightly as the taller boy seemed to be getting closer, and closer, and closer still until-

Even’s phone starting blaring loudly and Isak jerked away so fast the hands Even still had on his waist had to grip him tightly to again keep him from falling backwards off the horse. When Isak was back up right Even stepped back and pulled out his phone, turning off the alarm and giving Isak a sheepish look, “We should get back, it’s almost curfew.”

_

When Even said goodnight in front of Isak’s dorm he didn’t make eye contact, he seemed more hesitant that he had yet been with Isak so the younger boy took the lead, reaching out to hold Even’s wrist, smiling when those blue blue eyes finally met his own, “I had fun tonight. Thank you.”

Even smiled and lifted his free hand to brush his knuckles lightly over Isak’s cheek, “We’ll have to go again when Yousef teaches me how to turn off the light and music timers.” Isak nodded and smiled back, and then Even was walking away. And the night was over.

_

When he got into his room Jonas was halfway through turning off the lights, and Isak quickly wiped his feet and removed his shoes before flopping face first onto his bed with his coat still on. He let out a long and exaggerated groan before rolling onto his back and meeting Jonas’ gaze where his friend watched him with sympathy and amusement etched into his features.

“So. How was the movie?”

“Bro I am so _fucked._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for anyone wondering min sol is just norwegian for my sun, i always hc'd it as a nickname even would adopt for Isak
> 
> and, as always, you can hunt me down on my [tumblr](%E2%80%9Dlarry-or-die.tumblr.com%E2%80%9D)


	4. four.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even at boarding school, Eva finds a way to throw a party. This could be a problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO for anyone wondering what happened to my update schedule, it doesn't exist and it was all a ruse. special thanks to zosia for encouraging me to finish the last chapter today, you'll get a chapter a day until they're all out :^)

**Friday**

_Eva: Party tonight at my dorm hall. Linn said she won’t tell._

Honestly, Isak loved weekends, and Eva’s RA, the girl didn’t seem to mind anything they did, and with curfew free weekends they did everything they could. Mind you, Eskild was great and didn’t care if the boys threw a party either, but nothing Esklid ever allowed came without some sort of favour to be repaid.

_til Eva: sick ill be there_

_Eva: Even too right?_

And, oh shit, Isak was going to have to go to a party with Even. Isak was probably going to get drunk and say something stupid, or throw up on him, or accidentally confess to someone that it’s been fake all along and lose this weird thing he’s been clinging onto. This wasn’t going to end well.

_til Eva: definitely_

_

_til Even: Eva’s throwing a party tonight, she’s hoping we’ll show up together?_

_Even: someone has to look after your drunk ass, ill be there_

_til Even: but then who’s looking after your drunk ass?_

_Even: i wont be drinking much, messes with my meds_

_til Even: well then you cant hold anything drunk isak says or does against me_

_Even: oh i will ;)_

___

Getting ready to go to a party with his fake boyfriend was probably one of the most terrifying things Isak had ever attempted. He showered, brushed his teeth, stole a little bit of Jonas’ face wash and shook out his curls rather than brushing them back under a snapback like he normally opted to do. He sat on his bed, ready far too early – Mahdi and Magnus hadn’t even arrived yet to pregame – when his phone dinged beside him.

_Even: theres free beer in it for you if you want to pregame in my dorm?_

_til Even: i thought you weren’t drinking?_

_Even: im not, but I have a bunch of beer and it’s gonna go to waste if someone doesn’t drink it_

_til Even: omw_

He hovered in the bathroom door; Jonas had just started brushing his teeth, and waited until they made eye contact in the mirror before opening his mouth to speak. “Um. Would you guys hate me if I went to Even’s to pregame?”

Jonas’ eyebrows rose and he spit and rinsed his mouth before answering, “Magnus might out of jealousy but. Is that a good idea? There won’t be anyone around to buffer, except his roommate.” He watched Isak’s reflection with concern, applying more toothpaste to the brush to continue with his regimen.

“He’s giving me free beer. Hard to turn down a cute boy with free alcohol.” He shrugged and Jonas laughed, shaking his head.

“Go have fun. Don’t do anything Eskild wouldn’t do!” Isak laughed at the joke, there wasn’t much Eskild wouldn’t do.

_til Even: third floor right? whats your room number?_

_Even: fourth floor, 403, you dont have to knock just come in_

Isak paused mid step. Fourth floor was the single rooms. This told Isak two things. One, Even had _money,_ this school wasn’t cheap to begin with, and with only one floor of single rooms it was hard and _expensive_ to acquire one. Two, there would be no roommate buffer, and everything that happened the night before was still very fresh on Isak’s mind. He kept walking, a fresh blush painting over his cheeks and he tried to concentrate on cooling it down.

_

When he got to Even’s room he hesitated before turning the knob, opening the door to reveal Even sat on his bed, the clipboard from their Theatre meeting on his lap while he scribbled away. He looked up as soon as Isak shuffled in, his face crinkling up into a smile and setting his work aside. “Halla!”

“Hey.” Isak matched his smile, toeing off his shoes and settling opposite Even on his bed. He folded his legs up and nodded to him, “What are you working on?”

“Trying to sort out who’s doing what. And who I have to force to act, I got too many backstage volunteers.” He huffed a little and shook his head, looking briefly at the clipboard before looking again at Isak.

“Let me get you a drink. We need a game plan for this party right? Something to keep Drunk Isak from flirting with other boys and raising suspicions?” Even got off his bed and went to his closet, pulling out a pack of beer and passing one to Isak.

“Oh, I don’t think I’ll – like I don’t really do that. I’ll just probably stick pretty close to you and Jonas.” He shrugged and took a long drink from the can in his hand.

“Okay, anything I should keep an eye out for?”

“I’m usually okay with touching when I’m drunk. So you won’t have to warn me. I might try to overshare uh; you can just shut me up by putting another drink in my hand.” Isak shrugged, “Oh yeah, and Eva’ll keep me pretty occupied when she’s not with Vilde, we both get kind of clingy.”

“So there’s nothing for me to worry about?”

“Nothing at all.”

_

When they finally left for the party Isak was just past tipsy, smiling and laughing at every joke Even made. As soon as another living person came into view Isak took it as an excuse to pull up their relationship ruse and nudged his way under Even’s arm. Even laughed at it, nodding his head, “Kind of clingy alright.”

Isak couldn’t be bothered to defend himself, too satisfied to pressed to the warmth of Even’s body with a little hum; he was only wearing a long sleeved shirt, having forgotten about the outdoor walk from the boys’ dorm to the girls’. Even spared him a brief glance and raised an eyebrow, rubbing Isak’s torso on just the good side of rough.

“Are you cold? Here.”  He slowed to a stop and pulled himself away from Isak, shrugging off his denim jacket, to reveal at least two more layers. Isak blinked kind of dumbly and Even raised his eyebrows, “C’mon, last thing I need is for you to get sick.” He held the jacket open and Isak obligingly (eagerly) let him slide the material over the thin cotton of his gray shirt, and - look the jacket was already a little loose on Even so it hung around Isak just a bit to baggy for him to admit it but Even was giving him this _look_ and the sober part of his brain desperately tried to tell him it was probably because the party was just a few metres away at this point and any number of the people who were sober enough to linger outside without risk of getting them caught could know or even be Emma, but Isak couldn’t help the goofy smile that spread across his face.

“Thank you.” Even smiled right back and jerked his head towards the entrance, they hovered close to each other as they entered the bustling dorm building, and Isak clung to the jacket like a lifeline when the crowd became more dense, unable to avoid brushing people on the side of him that Even wasn’t near, grateful the alcohol was having enough of an effect on his bloodstream to keep him from flinching at every touch.

His mind deflated a little when Even leaned over. “I’m gonna touch your back. Do you want another drink?” He looked just the slightest bit concerned, rubbing a light hand from between Isak’s shoulder blades down to settle on the small of his back. Isak nodded and let everything blur as Even led him to Eva’s dorm, where a smaller crowd lingered while Vilde poured drinks and chatted with Chris Berg – she was the upgraded version of Emma in Isak’s mind, funny, friends with everyone he knew, flirted with him fiercely but always took the hint. He was pulled from his view of the two of them laughing at Vilde spilling some poor first year’s drink when Eva appeared, swinging her arms around Isak’s neck, paying no mind to the dramatic jerk he gave at the movement.

“Isaaaaaaaaaak!” She squealed with joy and he found himself relaxing, returning the hug.

“Evaaaaaaaaaa.” He laughed in mimic of her own voice and barely noticed Even had stepped away before Eva bounced up onto her toes to stage whisper into his ear.

“I’mmmmm gonna steal your boyfriend!” She yelled the last two words loud enough to make Isak tense up and cringe, and Even reappeared with a drink in hand, smiling.

“Are we talking about me? Here babe.” He held out the cup for Isak to take, waiting with more than a little amusement on his face as Isak to extracted himself from Eva so he could take it. He took a sip and wrinkled his nose a little, it was whatever sugary vodka juice concoction Vilde and Eva had created and served out of a giant bowl, it was weirdly clear. “ _Min sol,_ I’m kind enough to get you a drink and you turn your nose up at it. I’m hurt!” He had a mock frown across his face, and there was that _damn nickname_ again, Isak probably would’ve melted to the floor if Eva hadn’t squealed and pushed up the bottom of his drink, forcing him to chug it while trying not to laugh.

“Drink up! We don’t wanna hurt Even’s feelings!” She didn’t pull the cup away until it was almost empty and immediately bounded off to refill it, leaving Isak sputtering and coughing and wiping up the little bit of the mixture with his thumb. Even was laughing like he’d just been told the world’s funniest joke.

“What at you laughing at! This is all your fault.” He narrowed his eyes at Even’s who gave him a small smile in return, he went to shake his head but found it was light and more than a little dizzy, “That was a lot of alcohol. Girl drinks are scary.” He mumbled and blinked slow, feeling warm as the alcohol set steadily in. When Eva returned with a full cup he took it without resistance, taking a sip and not giving her a chance to make him down a second cup, the last thing he needed was for Even to have to hand a blacked out and sloppy Isak over to Jonas. If Isak threw up Jonas would spend his whole weekend scrubbing it out of the floorboards as if that would stop it from ever happening again, Isak couldn’t do that to his best friend.

Hmm;

His best friend!

“Even? Even I need to find Jonas it’s important.” He was whining but only because Jonas wasn’t anywhere in the room from what he could tell, Even’s eyebrows shot up and he took a quick survey of the room, apparently getting the same impression as Isak.

“He’s not in here I’m gonna go find him for you okay?”

“No I’m going with you!” The concern that spread across Even’s face at that had him rushing forward to give assurance, “I’m normal right now see?” He picked up Even’s hands and put them at his neck. It put a bad taste in his mouth but he didn’t feel a pressing urge to **get away now** like he normally would. Something sad took a fleeting place on Even’s expression and he pulled his hands away gently, looping an arm around Isak’s waist to hold him close while they merged into the busy hallway.

It was weird when his veins buzzed with alcohol how _good_ Isak could feel. Like, honestly he should be an alcoholic at this point because when he was drunk or high were the only times nothing in his brain made him want to frown or hide or lash out at anyone that stood within six metres of him. He liked that there was nothing loud enough in his head to tell him that Even might not be safe. That he could just let everything blur away and forget why he was even moving.

He was brought back to himself when he heard Jonas’ voice call his name, tapping his shoulder anxiously and Isak’s face broke out into a massive grin. “He said it was important I don’t-”

“Jonas!” Isak cut off Even and threw his free arm out to pull Jonas into a hug, smiling against his shoulder, “You are my best buddy you know? I needed to tell you that.” Jonas gave him a dorky grin in return, clearly having had plenty to drink himself and Even let out a little laugh at the pair when they began nodding and smiling fondly at each other. “Even, Jonas is my best friend, have you guys met before?”  He twisted in Even’s arm so he could look at his face when he answered. He really liked Even’s face. It was a really good face, just so. Hm. Nice.

“Haven’t, but I’ve seen pictures.” He put out his free hand to shake Jonas’, didn’t blink when Jonas shook it three times, and then three more, instead smiled that beautiful warm smile, “It’s really good to meet you.” The moment was so good. There was music pulsing just on the edge of being loud enough for someone to get in trouble, Isak felt the brim of his cup pressed to his lips more often than it wasn’t, and all he could see and feel was Even Even Even Even Even – Emma?

“Isak! I’m soooo drunk will you dance with me?” Her voice was high and squealing and she wanted Isak to leave that tight _strong_ grip on his waist so he crinkled his face in a frown.

“Do I have to?” His voice was painted with distaste, and Jonas barked out a laugh, Even seemed to barely conceal one as well. Emma was less than pleased however and dropped her jaw, narrowing her eyes at Isak and seeming to make a last minute decision before throwing her drink in Isak’s face. Everything seemed to freeze and-

And- okay, no amount of alcohol in his system could stop the memory _that_ brought up, the sting of alcohol in his eyes reminded him of the sensation of a bottle over his head and he dropped his own cup to cower, his whole body trembling and hands over his head. He heard movement, felt the steady beat of music under his feet and then Even’s one arm became two and he was saying something, to- to Jonas? He heard Jonas’ name. He heard _what can I do?_ And _what’s happening?_ And then he was moving and his feet were obeying the gentle tug but his brain was still on the party floor covered in beer- no, vodka, it was Emma’s drink and she had vodka in her cup and it burned his eyes.

“Eyes – my eyes are burning – I’m sorry – please it - hurts.” He rambled off and Even shushed him and pet his hair and then there was fresh air on his face and Even was still moving but he needed- he needed to stop.

So he did. Taking a deep shaky breath with his hands clutching the collar of Even’s jacket – he was still wearing it - and then jerking his hands away to fall limp at his side when he felt that it was wet with alcohol.

“Isak? Hey it’s alright, we’re just going to my room okay? We’ll get you something clean to wear. And wash your face okay? But I need you to walk with me.” He voice was so _soft_ but he wasn’t speaking like Isak was broken, and it clicked something in his gut so slowly he wiped his face with his sleeve and blinked open his bloodshot eyes to nod weakly at Even. The smile he got in return was everything.

_

Inside Even’s dorm the taller boy set to work pretty fast. He guided Isak to sit on the edge of his bed and pulled off the jacket, leaving him in just his shirt, it was wet down the front and Isak wanted it off his skin. Even threw the jacket over his desk chair and disappeared into his bathroom, appearing not long after with a damp rag. He wiped Isak’s face gently, over his cheeks and under his eyes, up into his hairline and then down his neck and collarbones. It was sobering and Isak was still a little hazy but he found himself growing red at the whole ordeal.

Even didn’t seem to notice until he had left to dig through his closet and then returned with a clean hoodie. He pressed it into Isak’s hands and gave him a soft smile. “You should change, I’m gonna go rinse out this cloth okay?” He hesitated and then ran a hand over Isak’s curls. It was almost too soothing.

When Even came out of the bathroom Isak had changed – and maybe buried his face in the sleeve to smell Even, shut up he was allowed to want that right now - and kicked of his shoes so he could shuffle to sit more comfortable on Even’s bed, parallel to the pillows with his back against the wall, he gave Even a sheepish smile. “I’m sorry.” He looked down at his hands and gave his head a little shake, mostly to see how drunk he still was – the answer was too drunk by the way. It felt surreal for such a serious moment to happen when his skin tingled and his insides burned.

“No more apologizing, for real, there’s nothing for you to be sorry for.” Even’s tone was firm and he sat adjacent to Isak so his back was against his pillows. A hand came to rest on Isak’s knee and he didn’t flinch, it was because of the alcohol but in the calm atmosphere it was strange to see, he felt outside of himself. “But - do you wanna talk about that?”

Right. He definitely deserved an explanation for why something as simple as a girl throwing a drink in his face would result in Even having to coddle and take care of Isak like a child. “Oh. Um, I don’t really get along well with my dad?” He paused and searched for a lose string on the sleeve, when he didn’t find one he started picking the base of his nails, “It’s sort of why I went here, so I don’t have to, uh to really see him.”

“What do you do when school’s out?” Even’s voice was hardly above a whisper, dripping with worry and concern and this other thing that twisted Isak’s stomach but didn’t feel like pity.

“I stay with Eva. Her mom is kind of loaded and they’ve got this giant house so she doesn’t really mind. It was supposed to be Jonas at first but when we actually got each other as roommates it was too much to never have space from each other.” It was really easy to share his tragic backstory when he was drunk. Especially when it felt like he’d known Even for ten years, not three days. Something about him had such a comfortable familiarity to it.

“And you’re okay?”

“I’m okay.”

_

They sat for a long time while Isak tried to stop his head from spinning. Even kept their conversation flowing and light and didn’t touch any more than a heavy palm and soothing thumb on his knee; it was _nice_.

The only thing, was Isak had been drinking steadily right up until Emma threw that damn drink in his face, and when he started to feel queasy something told him it wasn’t Even’s touch that was making his stomach flip this time.

“Oh. Oh no – I need to –” He basically leaped over Even in a mad sprint to the bathroom, stumbling over his own feet before puking – thankfully – into the toilet. The worst part about puking while he was still drunk was there was nothing about it that made him feel sick after, he felt like he could just walk out and keep talking. Which was disgusting, and when Even appeared hesitantly in the doorway he let out a groan that hopefully conveyed how much he wanted to die and reached up to flush the toilet. “Fuck. This is so gross I should go.”

“No, actually I think you should probably stay.” Even’s voice was warm with a smile, and he heard shuffling and water running before a toothbrush with toothpaste came into his line of vision, he wrinkled his nose a little at the idea of using someone else toothbrush and Even laughed, “It’s a spare, now it’s yours, come on, you should stay here tonight – Jonas is probably still at the party and I don’t want you to be alone - but I’m not sharing my bed with someone with vomit breath.”

Isak took the toothbrush at that and brushed **very** thoroughly. When he was done he sat away from the toilet and looked up at Even gratefully. “I can sleep like, on the floor or something, you don’t have to give me your bed.”

Of course Even’s eyebrows shot up and he put both hands briefly to his chest in mock horror before offering them to Isak and helping him up. “I’m not _giving_ it to you, we’re sharing, and _what_ kind of fake boyfriend would I be if I made you sleep on the floor?” Isak laughed and blushed and no one was surprised but he nodded obligingly. He could do this.

He folded his jeans and placed them on Even’s desk chair, putting his phone on the desk after he changed into a pair of sweatpants that Even gave him; and waited for him to come back from the bathroom where he had left to get changed and brush his teeth. He sat on the bed, pressed to the wall and didn’t look up until Even had crossed the room and flicked off the light.

Even slid into bed beside him and they both silently shifted to lay their heads on the pillows, and Isak didn’t realize he was holding his breath until Even’s foot reached out to tap his, and he took in a sharp breath when he jumped at the contact.

“Sorry, just – uh, c’mere.” Even’s voice broke the silence and he reached over carefully to pull Isak towards him. He rolled over obediently and found himself settling against Even’s side. “Is this okay?”

Isak nodded and hummed, eyelids drooping, he started a little when Even’s hand ran through his hair but settled down again when the movement repeated to soothing brushes.

He was halfway over the edge of sleep when a soft voice danced just above his ears, and he forced his body to stay pliant when lips brushed against his forehead. “Goodnight _min sol_.”

Forget a hangover. That was gonna hurt in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, harass me on tumblr


	5. five.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak's weekend following the party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again, i don't think i've said it yet, but i really value all of your feedback! it makes me feel over the moon to see that people are enjoying something ive created so, again, thank you so much!

**Saturday**

Lights should be illegal. The sun too. Deleted. Removed from the sky. Isak should never have to be in anything other than total darkness for the rest of his life. He can feel the thuds in his skull as he wakes up slowly, groaning and shifting to bury his face deeper into the pillow. When he feels someone shift behind him his whole body goes rigid, slowly turning his head to look behind him and, it’s Even? Why is he? And – oh. The whole night comes back to him in a weird rush and his head is **pounding** and he’s on the inside of the bed, he can’t leave without waking up Even. So when Even shifts around a little more he jerks his head to stare at the wall, squeezing his eyes and hoping he looks asleep, so maybe Even will leave and then he can go down to his dorm and he and Jonas will whisper to each other about what it all could mean so they don’t disturb their headaches.

Instead he hears, “You’re really bad at pretending to sleep.” From Even’s deep _deep_ morning voice and he shifts aggressively so he can face him, face having gone from terrified to horribly insulted.

“Excuse me? I’m the master of pretending to sleep. I’ve been head hunted for exactly fifty two acting roles for ‘boy sleeping’ actually.” He scoffed and Even laughed, his whole face scrunching up and wow. Isak’s head may be aching but he found nothing about the soft laugh Even’s delighted face let out did anything to irritate it. “Besides, I’m hungover as fuck, I was sleeping for real.”

“Mhm.” He cocked an eyebrow and why on Earth that made Isak blush? He’ll never know.

The moment seemed to settle calmly around them, both smiling and just _looking_ and somehow it was the best thing on Earth.

“How do you feel?” The question was not about his hangover.

“Um. I’m okay, probably going to be a nervous day but like. You helped.” He looked up at Even’s hairline, something that helped when he couldn’t make eye contact. “I’m sorry about that, by the way. I ruined the party for you.”

“Isak _please_ , stop apologizing when you have nothing to be sorry for.” He sounded so exasperated and fond that Isak wanted to apologize again. “I was only there for you anyway.”

And Isak was definitely going to reply to that, except he had no fucking clue how to do that and just as he started to formulate some semblance of a reply he was hit with a thought, “You’re jacket! Is it ruined?” He sat up to look and squeezed his eye shut at his own sudden movement, when he blinked his eyes open and looked at the desk the jacket was hung over the back of Even’s chair, dry and stainless. He let out a heavy breath of relief. Imagine a world without Even in that jacket, or Even letting Isak _wear_ it.

“The jacket’s fine. But you should check your phone; it was going off earlier I think.” Even hummed and shifted to his back, watching lazily while Isak slid down to and off the foot of the bed. “I hope you don’t mind I texted Jonas when you were sleeping last night. He just kept messaging you and I didn’t want him to worry or anything.”

Isak hummed and shook his head, “No actually, thanks I should’ve texted him I was just – yeah.” He shrugged and wiped at the sleep tugging at his eyes while scrolling through his lock screen, texts and missed calls from Emma, texts from Jonas, Eva, and Sana. “Jesus.”

_

_Emma: Are you okay? What was that?_

_Emma: Isak I’m sorry for throwing my drink in your face, it wasnt cool_

_Emma: Are you seriously not going to reply???_

_Emma: I only did it because you were being an ASS!!!!!_

He deleted the conversation, ignoring was all he had energy for today when it came to Emma.

_

_Jonas: Isak I just got back from the party, where are you?_

_Jonas: Are you still with Even?_

_Jonas: ??_

_Jonas: You know you shouldn’t be alone right now where are you?_

_til Jonas: Hey Jonas this is Even, Isak is with me but he’s sleeping, is it okay if he just stays with me tonight?_

_Jonas: yes tusen takk for messaging me how was he once you got away from the party?_

_til Jonas: a little shaken up but he calmed down when i got him cleaned off and changed. he threw up but then he went to sleep really fast_

_Jonas: he usually sleeps after, you sure you don’t need me to come get him?_

_til Jonas: you couldnt pry this boy from my cold dead hands_

_Jonas: haha okay, thanks again_

_til Jonas: wtF??? Was that flirting???? That was so casual_

_til Jonas: i’m gonna find out who even’s dealer is and then me and you are gonna get fucked and TALK_

_

_Eva: hey i heard what happened last night, talked to jonas, ill let vilde know to keep emma occupied for your theatre class tuesday okay?_

_til Eva: <3_

___

_Sana: I didn’t know you were dating Even?_

_Sana: My brother is Even’s friend, can we talk?_

Sana’s texts were new; she’d only messaged him a few minutes before he woke up.

_til Sana: why do we need to talk? Is everything okay with Even?_

He turned his eyes to Even at the idea that something might be wrong, Even was already looking back at him and he smiled when Isak met his gaze, eyebrows lifting, “Everything alright?” He hummed it out, and god he looked so cozy Isak wanted to curl back up in his arms for the rest of his life. But for now he gave Even a nod and looked back down at his phone when a ping told him Sana had replied.

_Sana: Even’s fine, but you’re both idiots_

_til Sana: When should we meet?_

_Sana: I’m incredibly busy, it will have to wait until at least Tuesday, sometime after classes_

_til Sana: I have theatre tuesday_

_Sana: After that then. I’ll wait outside when you’re done_

“You said ‘nervous day’ earlier. What does that usually mean?” Even’s question pulled Isak from his phone again and he thought for a minute before answering honestly.

“Usually I isolate myself a little bit. My touching stuff just gets worse, I’m more on edge. When I’m not at school me and Jonas will smoke so I can get out of my head a little, or I’ll watch TV with Eva. Something calm.” His phone buzzed with a message from Jonas – _don’t rush home, if he asks if you wanna stay say yes –_ and the message felt like fate because –

“I’ve got a joint in my night stand; I can sit on the floor if you wanna hang out on my bed?” Even was already pushing open the window above his headboard, and closing the curtain so the room was fairly dark again – Isak’s head sang from the peace of it.

“Um, yeah okay. But you don’t have to sit on the floor I’ll be alright.” Even turned to cock an eyebrow while shoving a towel against the bottom of his door, his lips pressed into a concerned line, “I mean like, I’m not trying to be polite or anything, I want you to sit with me.” He had to turn away from Even’s gaze at the end, his face grew warm and he used putting his phone back down on the desk as an excuse.

He looked back when he heard the flick of a lighter and Even was taking a long drag from the joint in his hand, waggling his brows and smiling as he leant his head back against the wall to blow out smoke. That was all the incentive Isak needed, his flush may have gone down to his chest when he sat on the bed and Even held the joint to his lips for him to inhale – just like when they met, almost, and if this was a habit of Even’s, it was going to result in Isak’s death.

_

Isak was **_high_**. He was really high, he smoked more than Even, something about Even’s meds, and the older boy was kind of laughing at the way Isak’s head lolled a bit, slow blinks showing his red eyes when he turned to look at Even. A lazy grin grew on his face. “I feel _good_.”

Even laughed at that and nodded, “Yeah? I think you’ve had enough.” He pulled the joint from Isak’s fingers and took one more drag himself before snuffing out what was left in the mug on his nightstand.

“In another universe I’m in my dorm right now with Jonas. I’m glad I’m here with you.” His reservations were clearly to the wind and he flopped over so instead of sitting beside Even he was laying his head in his lap. He had to close his eyes at the dizziness that followed but when he opened them Even was looking at him with amused surprise, “You can touch my hair, I won’t freak now.” It was more of an order than the gracious permission Isak worded it as but Even huffed out a laugh and began to thread his fingers rhythmically through Isak’s hair regardless.

“Tell me more about these universes.”

“Well it’s like, there all parallel universes you know? Like at this time right now there are infinite different things happening. Like in one I never came out and now I’m with Emma, pretending to like her, or one where I still live at home, or Jonas isn’t my roommate and I have to put up with like, Magnus 24/7.” He paused and tried to think of another possibility, “A universe where we never had to fake date because Emma could take a hint.” He frowned at the idea, shaking his head. “I don’t like that one; I never would’ve seen that carousel and probably wouldn’t have watched Romeo and Juliet.”

Even hummed and watched Isak, twisting a strand of hair around his finger, “I’d still take you.”

“Oh. That’s nice of you.”

“Mm, is it?”

Isak’s train of thought often derailed, this was one of those times, so he just nodded instead of speaking, turning thoughtlessly to nuzzle his cheek against the soft material of Even’s sweatpants. Even’s hand stilled and his body tensed; it took Isak a long thirty seconds to realize why – Even was not _actually_ his boyfriend, and Isak’s face was _very_ close to his dick. “Oh. Um. Sorry.”

Even made a noise in the back of his throat and shook his head, “Don’t apologize.” His voice was just barely strangled but Isak’s weed brain decided to focus on it, his cheek was still pressed to Even’s thigh and he let out heavy breath, looking up at Even.

“I thought I was only supposed to stop apologizing if I didn’t have a reason to.” And yeah, fuck, Even was always fucking coming on to him with his fucking touching and his jacket and his _min sol_ like Isak actually meant that much to him, so he was going tease right back. He was going to make Even say that Isak’s face near his dick wasn’t a reason to apologize, he wanted to see him squirm or blush or _something_ just once. So he sat up and scooted so he was close, smiling just a little.

Instead he got that unwavering fucking smirk, and a hand on his face and waist and it pulled him in just a little. Even’s eyes searched his and when he found a lazy grin and red red red eyes something in him changed, his smirk softening, “You don’t.” And honestly Isak was _pissed_ because now he was redder than his eyes and shifting a little under Even’s gaze and how the fuck can this guy turn every situation into one where he has the upper hand?

His face twisted into a little glare and he pulled his face from Even’s hand to flop it onto his shoulder, “You’re a dick.” He grumbled and he felt Even’s shoulders shake with a laugh, the hand on his waist gave a gentle squeeze and moved to rest on the small dip in his back.

“And why is that?”

Isak jerked his head up, giving Even a look that said _you know exactly why_ which was met with a slightly humoured gaze. He scowled and dropped his head back down, “Always fucking flirting with me, telling me I shouldn’t apologize and it’s okay, and _touching_ me and every. single. time. someone touches me every neuron in my brain lights up with **danger** and **get away** but - when you do it I can’t _think_ let alone think about _leaving_ and I still jerk and flinch and jump away but you don’t make me feel like a freak? And I’m always blushing and squirming and, and – fuck.”

“You’re not a freak.”

Even’s voice was too soft and Isak didn’t have the energy for a conversation like this so he just blew out a heavy breath and closed his eyes, “Fuck. I’m so high. Can we listen to music?”

Even seemed to relax a bit more and shuffled around to find his phone. A song Isak hadn’t heard before started to play, but it made the weight in his head something he enjoyed and so he slumped against Even and settled under the flow of Even humming to the beat and singing along under his breath to English words that Isak was too high to follow.

_

**Sunday**

_Even: was yesterday okay? im realizing you might’ve felt like you had to stay_

___

_Even: do you remember everything you told me?_

_Even: i don’t want to push, just thought you might want to talk about it_

___

_Even: studying? haha_

_Even: if you need a break let me know :^)_

___

_Even: do you want a buffer tomorrow in the caf? in case Emma shows up?_

_Even: ill be there even if im not at your table_

___

_til Even: a buffer would be nice_

_Even: everything okay?_

_til Even: yeah, Jonas was out today, so i didn’t see my phone_

_Even: want company?_

_til Even: studying :\_

_Even: okay, ill see you tomorrow right?_

_til Even: yeah_

_Even: <3_

_

“Bro what the fuck? This is definitely not the best way to handle an I-basically-told-my-crush-I-like-him-because-I-was-fucking-high crisis. Especially when he’s clearly gone for you right back. You should’ve seen his face at the party.” Jonas was _scolding_ him and honestly Isak was more than a little over it. It wasn’t his fault he was avoiding Even; how was he supposed to be in a private setting with the boy after Saturday? Jesus, just knowing he was going to see him on Monday was enough to make his palms sweat.

“What if he like, asks about it? Again? I can’t ignore him in person.” Jonas brought his hands to his face and let out a long strangled groan.

“If he brings it up again you admit that you really _like_ him. This isn’t a stressful outcome Is, it’s an inevitable one.” And maybe he had a point. But Isak wasn’t in the mood to admit it, he had to take a long tram ride to get to his therapist and he had to leave like, ten minutes ago so instead he shoved his phone into his pocket and pulled on his shoes and jacket, leaving the room with a wave and a huff.

_

Dr. Skrulle was really _nice_ , and she helped Isak through a lot of things and understood how he handled life and situations and how he did it so he could still function. He liked their time together. But he was so focused on his epidemic with Even it took three tries for her to get his attention in the waiting room and when he sat down on her office couch and saw the crook of her eyebrow he knew he was in trouble.

“Is that a new hoodie? It’s a bit big on you.” She made the comment after he had shrugged off his jacket – when they had first started their sessions she observed that he bought his clothes too big, most likely as a coping mechanism to feel safe, and she had mostly worked him away from that - and okay, yeah, he was wearing Even’s hoodie. He had convinced himself it wasn’t a big deal but her words brought a bright pink to his cheeks that was unmistakable, she hummed and leaned back in her chair. “Where’d you get it?”

“I- I’ve kinda met a boy.” At her prompting he ran Skrulle through the entirety of his last few days, all the way up to when Drunk Isak freaked out and High Isak exposed himself. She listened to the whole account with a small smile.

“I have a couple of things I want to touch on here but before we do that, Isak, do you realize you smiled the whole time you told me about Even?” Her voice was kind and Isak lifted his hands to touch his cheeks, self aware of the gentle grin on his face only now that it had been pointed out.

“Oh.”

“I think you have some strong feelings for Even, and based on what you’ve told me and the unique way your relationship with him formed, I think it would be a good idea to be forward with them.” And Isak fucking _knew_ she was going to say that but it didn’t stop his heart from racing.

“I basically already have.” He groaned and she gave a sympathetic chuckle at that.

“You were intoxicated, and then you ignored him when he tried to talk about it, there’s a good chance he won’t bring it up again.” She always had to be so _right_ with everything she said to him didn’t she? It could be annoying sometimes. “Are you seeing him today? I think it would be good to get this off your chest.”

If this was a cartoon Isak would be plucking his jaw off the floor and popping his eyeballs back into his skull; because honestly, today? Yeah right. “I don’t know if I can do that.”

“I think you keep forgetting how strong you are. If Even is anything like you’ve described, he won’t get mad at you. You know that right?” It became very clear that she knew she was right to assure him of that when Isak looked from his lap, meeting her eyes with his own and replying to her in a very small voice.

“How do you know?”

“Isak.” She sighed and set her notepad down beside her to lean forward, “Our heads are like islands, we’re each alone on our island and it can be nice sometimes, but it can also be lonely. The only way to reach someone else’s island is through words.” They’d talked about this before, it was her favourite analogy, “Even will not get mad at you for reaching out, even if it’s with something that makes you as vulnerable as confessing feelings does. You need these bridges Isak.”

She was probably right, so he ducked his head and agreed to bring up what he said to Even when they met up on Monday – there was no way he had the willpower to do it anywhere that wasn’t public like the cafeteria would be - and they moved on with their session. She said admitting his feelings would make him feel lighter and Isak prayed to whoever was up there that she was right, because waiting to talk to Even felt like trying to walk with cinderblocks tied to his feet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wasn't sure how i felt about this chapter so please be kind
> 
> and, if you want, come visit me on my [tumblr](%E2%80%9Dlarry-or-die.tumblr.com%E2%80%9D) :^)


	6. six.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the return of the carousel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the last chapter whaaaaa!!!?? I can't believe i finished a fic, epilogue is ready to go for tomorrow as well and then we're over :( never fear however! i'm testing out the waters for a noora/eva fic (nooreva??)

**Monday**

Monday’s classes came and went, and Isak found himself walking as slow as he could towards the cafeteria, every pressing voice in his head telling him to text Even, to say _sorry, you don’t need to show up, I’m just going to my room_. But Skrulle’s request muffled them all – he liked to picture her smothering them with a pillow and an eager smile – so he continued to walk. When his regular table came into view, just across the room, his whole being was filled with dread. Emma and Even both sat, looking at each other in a silent glare that hit Isak despite the bustle of the room.

They didn’t seem to notice him when he got to their table, too caught up in their stare down, so he cleared his throat awkwardly and watched them both turn to first glare in him, then soften. “Isak! I wanted to apologize about what happened on Friday, it wasn’t cool of me to do that.” Emma spoke first, she was nervous, and Isak felt bad, how could she have known right?

“Yeah, really don’t worry about it. You didn’t know.” He shrugged and she grinned, watching him. He gave a small little smile and hers fell.

“Is that it? You’re not going to apologize to me? Do you realize how embarrassed I was? _Everyone_ saw.”

“Everyone? Shit.” He pulled the sleeves of Even’s hoodie – shut _up,_ only Jonas saw him wearing it and it still smelled like Even _-_ further over his palms, he glanced around to see everyone watching now as well, probably because Emma was causing a little bit of a scene but – but maybe to ogle the boy who acted like he was going to die when a girl threw a drink in his face. _Shit._

“Jesus Christ that’s not even the _point_. Boys always have to reply to the most insignificant thing don’t they?” She scoffed and grabbed her bag, “You know what Isak, consider me officially off your back; you’re such a jerk.” With that she stormed off, and Isak stared at her empty chair, mouth a little a jar, _wow_.

“Isak?” Even. “You alright?” His voice filled Isak’s ears and he nodded, sitting down beside Even and trying to look casual while staring at his hands.

“Did everyone really see?” He couldn’t look up from his lap, not when the entire student body had their eyes on him.

“What? No, no one cared, I promise. Emma was just feeling rejected. Look, no one’s looking okay?” He listened, he always listened to Even, and yeah, everyone was back to their business, only a couple pairs glanced their way before down the hall Emma had disappeared down. They didn’t care. It felt good. “Okay?”

Isak took a deep breath and nodded, “Yeah. I’m chill.”

“Good. What are you studying today? I could use a break from this damn script.” He gestured to the copy of Romeo and Juliet in front of him and it was _worn_ , Even had it for like, what, four days? The pages were crinkled from how much he had written on them and there was a stain – tea? coffee? – on the front.

“Wow, you really got into that thing.”  He laughed and – **holy shit** – Even blushed, just a little but _still_ , it felt like a win.

“Yeah, I just I want it to be perfect y’know?”

“That makes sense. But I don’t have any homework, so nothing to distract you with.” He shrugged and his brain – not so – helpfully reminded him why he was seeing Even at all today, “Um, about Saturday -”

“Hey don’t worry about it, you were really stoned.” Isak swallowed every other word he had thought to share, _you dumbass, you didn’t think he actually_ liked _you did you?_ Something vicious in the back of his head laughed at him so he gave Even a small polite smile.

“Yeah, I really was.”

_

**Tuesday**

When Isak got to Theatre it was set up different than usual. Rather than a circle of chairs filling the main floor area the room was cut down the middle; the usual ring of chairs condensed in one half while the other remained empty save for a table near the back with two chairs, one empty and the other taken by Even. When their eyes met Even waved him over, everyone else was on the other side (including Vilde who appeared to be talking Emma’s ear off) so he approached cautiously, a curious smile on his lips to match Even’s bright grin.

“It’s audition day! I need your help.” He patted the chair beside him and laughed at the way Isak’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline, “Relax, you don’t actually have to do anything besides sit there and look pretty.” He leaned forward and lowered it voice, “Figured it might be a better option than sitting with everyone else on tech?”

“Yeah, thanks.” He sat and smiled at Even, who was looking distractedly at the crowd, he followed his gaze to where girls and boys were being lined up by their supervisor, Emma front and centre and fiddling with the script in her hands, “She looks nervous.”

“It’s good to be nervous before an audition, but don’t worry, no special treatment just because I know her.” He winked and leaned over, humming out the word _cheek_ before pressing a sweet kiss there. Isak flamed up scarlet and Even laughed while everyone reacted, everything from awe’s to scoffs and of course, Emma’s stone cold glare. “Alright, who’s first?”

Emma and a first year boy Isak didn’t know stepped forward and read through the scene as Even directed them, and Emma was _good_ like, really good. Isak thought she should consider acting 24/7 because when she was speaking as Juliet, every word she said was soft and sweet; it reminded Isak of when he had first met her and made the grave mistake of being her friend. When she was done Even thanked them both politely and jotted some things down, Isak watched his face while he wrote and the polished and professional expression he had made Isak snort when he saw that Even’s notes by Emma’s name consisted solely of _WHA???!!! Juliet probably, damn._ He bit his lip and gave a sheepish grin when Even looked over at him, and the older boy just smiled and knocked their knees together. Isak jumped a little then pressed back.

The rest of their meeting ran in similar fashion, pairs going up one by one and auditioning, some more enthusiastic than others. But Isak couldn’t recall one performance after Emma’s; he was too busy watching Even.

When they finished and Even reminded anyone that didn’t audition to either make sure they’re on the tech list he put by the door or text him, everyone dispersed. Apparently Even was less interesting when giving real orders, Isak couldn’t say he agreed with the rooms opinion.

Even _was_ actually working, writing over and around notes and putting stars near people he especially liked. Isak just sat and watched, taking mental notice that at some point Even had moved from pressing their knees together to hooking his ankle under Isak’s. Making a mental note that he didn’t _notice_.

“Do you have any plans? I was thinking we could take a walk.” Isak looked up when Even spoke, he wasn’t looking at Isak, something uncommon for him, but Isak brushed it off because Even was busying himself with shoving his script and notes in his bag.

“Sorry, I have plans with Sana.” He glanced at the door; she would probably be waiting outside by now. “Actually, I should probably go.” He stood and didn’t miss the way Even looked up to catch his eye maybe just a little too quick before smiling.

“I’ll text you okay?”

“Sounds good.” Isak nodded and left, and Sana was leaning against the wall across from the entrance. She looked up when he approached and smiled.

“Good, I didn’t want to wait out here any longer. Let’s go.” He followed her, he really liked Sana’s room, it was meticulously kept, and she was paired with Chris who always had ice cream to offer when he visited. And they had a really comfy arm chair that he could sit in without it looking like he was actively avoiding close quarters with them.

_

“So you started fake dating by complete coincidence?” Sana had honestly never sounded so amazed; Isak picked the frayed edges of the old arm chair and nodded. “Why were you out there with him exactly?”

“Uh, he had weed.” He paused at her bark of laughter, hand jarring and he looked up to meet her smile. “And we both have to admit he’s pretty hot. I’m a simple man.”

“Wow, what I would give to have known all it took was some eye contact and a _joint_.”

“What do you mean?” Isak’s head tilted in confusion and Sana rolled her eyes.

She looked at him and realization spread across her face. “ _Oh._ This is still pretend? I have to text Elias.” She grimaced and pulled out her phone, tapping away and Isak looked down at the paper cup of half eaten ice cream in his lap. When they got to Sana’s room Chris had been on her way out, but insisted he tried her first attempt at using an ice cream maker; just plain vanilla, but still really good. Chris’ whole face had lit up when he told her as much and it made him think that if he wasn’t gay maybe they would’ve actually had that ‘magic connection’ she often teased him with.

“Um, why did you think we were dating for real?” Sana looked up from her phone and studied him, something about her face became reserved and she shook her head.

“I think you should ask Even about that.” Apparently that was all she had to say about the topic because she immediately followed up with, “Have you done your lab report yet? I think it could help to compare.”

_

There was exactly two hours and sixteen minutes until curfew, but when Isak started back to his room questions swam around his head and made his skin itch, so he stopped a few paces from his door and pulled out his phone.

_til Even: did you still want to take that walk?_

He bounced on the balls of his feet and tapped his phone, he stared at the conversation for what felt like hours before Even replied – the time stamps would tell you that it only took a minute, but time isn’t real anyway.

_Even: meet you downstairs_

___

By some cruel twist of fate they ended up back at the carousel from Thursday – in actuality Even’s had walked them straight to it, but Isak had been a little distracted by light conversation and the way their arms kept brushing from how close they stayed together. When Even pulled out the key and proudly announced he knew how to keep the lights running Isak grinned right back and didn’t bother to follow him the control panel, walking off like he had the last time they were there.

This time his and Even’s horses were facing the control panel, so he hopped onto Even’s, facing out so he could watch him fiddle with buttons until the carousel came to life. He didn’t set it to move this time after looking up and just fucking _beaming_ at Isak, who couldn’t help but match his gaze with equal enthusiasm.

“I think you’re on the wrong horse.” Even teased, eyebrows rising when Isak shook his head with a cheeky grin.

“Nah, I like this one better.” He let out a laugh at Even’s dropped jaw and playful glare.

“I can’t believe you’re robbing me like this! _And_ abandoning your own horse!” He practically _wailed_ it and Isak was really laughing now. It wasn’t that funny but; a crush can do that to you.  “Look at you! Sitting on a horse decorated with forget-me-nots yet _forgetting_ all sense of morality! The _irony._ ” God he almost sounded like Eskild. Why was it so endearing?

“Even I have to tell you a secret.” He paused and giggled at the way Even quirked brow at the tone of his voice. “None of these horses are real.” He broke his mock serious tone at the way Even’s face dropped and he turned to look the dark horse in the face before giving Isak a solemn expression and nod. Isak knew Even well enough to know he could drag this on much longer than Isak had patience for, so he killed the mood. “Did you know Sana before you came here?”

The sudden question made Even look up, taking in Isak’s flush and nervous eyes before he nodded. “Yeah, I’m friends with her brother Elias.”

“Oh. Okay.” He nodded, kind of awkwardly and looked down at his lap, something about Even was so honest and open; it always left Isak feeling like he was taking advantage.

There was a pause of silence and then, “What’re you thinking about?”

“When I saw Sana earlier today she was surprised when she found out we weren’t really together. I thought it was a bit strange. I mean – obviously everyone else doesn’t know but she said that she knew it was pretend? So I thought you must’ve told your friend, but then she was surprised and said she had to text her brother when I said it still was? I don’t know, it just felt a little strange.” He had an apology filling his mouth after rambling, but resisted the temptation in exchange for looking up to watch Even walk over to stand in front of him, a question in his face. Searching Isak’s must’ve answered it because he moved a little closer, face getting close to Isak’s and a small smile tugging at his lips.

“Damn Elias. Must’ve told her that I have a massive crush on you.” It had to be a joke, but then - Even wasn’t laughing, not at a joke, or at Isak, or anything. No, he was just watching Isak’s reaction with that soft soft smile. It made Isak feel just a bit braver than usual.

“It’s a good thing I got to you before she did then. If a big mouth runs in the family then she might’ve told you I have a crush on you too.” He reached his hands out to place them on Even’s neck, tugging him closer, more into his space. Even let out a shocked little laugh, hands resting on Isak’s waist, leaning in just enough to close the space between their noses, rubbing them together and filling Isak’s vision with _EvenEvenEvenEven._

“We can’t have me finding that out now can we?” Even smiled and Isak shook his head and then-

And then Even kissed him.

And kissed him.

And **kissed** him.

And _kissed_ him.

And when they finally broke apart it was only to meet each other’s gaze with matching smiles and start kissing all over again.

Even starting laughing and it made it difficult to kiss so Isak leaned his head back, a scowl trying desperately to take place on his face and failing miserably, “I’m sorry, I just started thinking about how much this would piss off Emma. We’re only _really_ together because of her. I should thank her.” Isak couldn’t help but laugh with him at that.

“You’re kissing me and all you can think about is Emma? Let me text her, let her knowing she was harassing the wrong guy.” He made a big show of digging into his coat pocket for his phone but stilled when Even reached, ever gentle, to pull his wrist out so he could lace their fingers together. The moment became quiet when Even lifted their hands to press his lips to each of Isak’s knuckles, like he was something precious.

“I think I’m just nervous, I wanted to kiss you so bad last time we were here _min sol_.” He said against Isak’s hand and Isak wished those words could sink into his skin and live in his bones forever.

“I wish you had.”

“I couldn’t! I didn’t have anything romantic like that to say.” Even’s face scrunched up with a laugh at the eye roll that earned him.

“Idiot.” Isak grumbled but pulled him in for another kiss, this time they were both laughing.

_

Even dropped Isak off in front of his dorm – which of course means Even ended up pressing Isak against the wall beside his door and making out with him, because _that_ was a thing now, until Eskild showed up and shooed him away to get to his room for curfew – and Isak’s face must’ve said it all when he entered because Jonas immediately gawked at him. “Bro, tell me what the fuck happened tonight. Tonight. Tonight. Toni- shit! Start talking!”

Isak laughed and fell into his bed, still wrapped up in Even’s damn denim jacket – turns out he’s pretty weak to Isak’s puppy face, this knowledge was useful, “ _Dude_ everything happened tonight.” At Jonas’ insistence he gave him a play by play, maybe a little dramatic in his telling.

_

He got a text from Even when he was getting ready for bed, begrudgingly departing from the jacket in favour of his pajamas.

_Even: dream of me min sol <3_

_til Even: actually ive been kind of hoping that ill dream about MY carousel horse do you know it? black with little flowers?_

_Even: how dare you_

_Even: im never being romantic ever again_

_til Even: yeah right_

_til Even: dream of me too?_

_Even: as if i could ever dream of anything else_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love your feedback!! keep it coming
> 
> i have a [tumblr](%E2%80%9Dlarry-or-die.tumblr.com%E2%80%9D) if you want to visit


	7. seven.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a small collections of Isak and Even's after

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO i was going to upload tomorrow morning as per usual but i have to get up pretty early for a flight, so i figured i'd just post it now! i hope you enjoy the last bit i have written of isak and even in this alternate universe, i truly loved writing it

**After**

 

They're lying in Even's bed - a common place to find them - close together and sharing the occasional lazy kiss while Isak enjoys the feeling of being high and Even traces shapes on any skin he can find. Isak whines at the loss of contact when Even leans away to reach for something. "Hush babe, I'm just getting my phone. Music is good when you're high." 

 

And he was right, but Isak craved Even's touch, so he shuffled around so he could squeeze under Even's arm, nose squished when he buries his face into Even neck to breathe him in.

 

"Don't care about music, just wanna make out with you. My skin feels buzzy." Isak's voice was muffled and he could feel Even's laugh tickle his lips when his throats vibrated, it turned Even's laugh into something tangible, they could sell it and never have to work another day in their lives. When the music started Isak didn't recognize it, must've been a new playlist, and the phone got set to the side so Even could reach a hand under Isak’s knee to pull him over so he laid on top of Even.

 

"I love you."

 

Isak paused for a long time, the words processing slowly; he looked up eventually, green – red - eyes meeting blue, and offered Even a lazy smile. "I love you too."

 

Isak hummed happily as Even pressed their lips together, too sleepy and soft to do anything more than go pliant and open up for Even. He squeaked a bit and grasped at Even nervously when he suddenly flipped them over, and Even waited for Isak to breathe out before kissing him again. The weight of Even on top of him was otherworldly as ever, so Isak wrapped his arms and legs tightly around him so he couldn't pull away.

 

The way Even growled a little and hiked Isak's legs up higher told him he had no intention to.

 

_

 

The first time Isak saw the effects of Even’s bipolar disorder was when he had to take a week off of school to follow his doctor’s orders of attempting to quiet his brain so it didn’t grow into to fully fledged hypomania. He didn’t answer Isak’s texts or calls for the first fifty-six hours. At which point his self-isolation only ended because Isak appeared in his doorway panic stricken. It was the only time Isak had ever used the key he had to Even’s dorm.

 

“Even? Are you- you’re okay.” He breathed it out in relief while Even watched him back, expression dull and drained. “ _Are_ you okay?”

 

“Hey baby.” Even’s voice lacked its usual brightness, it made Isak’s stomach swirl with worry.

 

“Hi - are you – is this - ?” The question was there even if he couldn’t get out the words, he felt his stomach calm a bit when Even patted the empty space beside him and nodded.

 

“I had to go see my doctor; I was a bit too up – with opening night coming up and our six month just around the corner and everything. They figured it was better to crash now than later when it could get worse.” He let Isak curl into his side and seemed to hesitate at the way Isak flinched when he pushed his fingers through his hair; Isak knew Even was aware that he just _did_ things like that when he was touched, so the fact that it gave him pause only reasserted the concern in Isak’s gut. “I’m sorry I worried you, I should’ve checked my phone.”

 

“Don’t apologize.” It was strange to find Isak saying the words rather than Even, but he meant them no less.

 

“Okay.”

 

They laid quietly beside each other for so long Isak thought he might fall asleep – he hadn’t slept since he last spoke to Even; too nervous - when Even whispered, “You don’t have to stay, you shouldn’t have to watch over me.”

 

Isak woke himself up enough to turn and look at Even’s face and _god_ , he looks so drained, like just laying in bed and asking Isak if he wanted to leave took all his energy, maybe it had. “I don’t feel like I’m watching over you. I feel like I haven’t seen my boyfriend for more than two days and I’m so clingy that now I wouldn’t leave unless he was shoving me out the door.” He beamed at the tiny smile that earned him, “Besides, I think we can both use a nap, and they aren’t as good when you’re alone.”

 

Even agreed, a little placating, and Isak settled back down after leaning up to press a kiss to Even’s jaw. When they woke up Even hadn’t been magically cured, but Isak’s post nap haziness didn’t fail to notice the small smile he sported while he watched Isak yawn and wipe the sleep from his eyes.

 

_

 

It was their first dress rehearsal of Romeo and Juliet; which meant Isak was in the sound booth with Even, watching everyone perform and trying to remember his cues for music and sound effects.

 

Even apparently wanted the play he spent so long on to crash and burn, because he would not stop _touching_ Isak. The hand holding was fine. And Isak could stay mostly focused when Even pushed their chairs together to move his hand to settle on the slimmest part of his waist.

 

However.

 

When Even moved his other hand to curl around the inner side of Isak’s thigh, rubbing a thumb over his jeans the younger boy whined and debated whether or not he even _wanted_  to move away. “Even.” He tried to chastise him but it came out as more of a needy whine, and Even chuckled lowly, leaning over to press his lips to the tender skin under Isak’s jaw. “Even please, you need to watch them.”

 

“Mm, but _baby_ you look so _good_ today. I couldn’t believe I had to sit through my classes without you there. Kept thinking about that thing you did in the shower.” He might as well have growled it into Isak’s ear and he couldn’t repress the tremor that went through him. He had worn a shirt of Even’s today, one that was just a little too big and hung low on his collar bones, apparently that had more effect on Even that Isak had originally thought, “S’making me hard just to think about it.”

 

Isak snuck a glance down and – Even certainly wasn’t lying; it made something animalistic burn in him to know he could do that to Even. Combine that with the words Even was muttering filthy in his ear and was it really any surprise that he abandoned his position in front of the soundboard to make out with his _very_ hot _very_ turned on boyfriend.

 

He had been pulled into Even’s lap and both were half kissing half panting into the other’s mouth. Even had slipped his fingers under Isak’s top to curl around the smooth skin of his hip and the sudden tap on the booth door scared Isak so bad he bit his tongue in a yelp and roughly shoved Even in his attempt to get off of him.  Even only laughed and kept Isak close, he eventually relented and buried his face in Even’s neck, humiliated as Vilde opened the door in full costume, she looked even more intense in her dramatic makeup and eccentric clothes.

 

“Even! I really thought you would have a good dedication to this play.” He voice was scolding and Even laughed.

 

“I’m sorry Vilde, it’s so hard to control myself around this one.” He playfully grabbed at Isak’s waist, showing off – Even often said he liked to show off Isak, Isak wasn’t really sure _what_ he was showing off when Even was standing right beside him but. It felt good most times to see him so proud – and Vilde scowled when Isak squealed a little and wriggled in Even’s grip.

 

“Okay! But if you and Isak are going to take out _dress rehearsal_ seriously then I need him to be able to play the music at the right time!” She appeared satisfied when they both looked at sufficiently scolded and disappeared.

 

Even didn’t want to give up Isak that fast, so they compromised with Isak sitting on Even’s lap. Isak managed to get the rest of his cues on time despite the fact that Even paid more attention to Isak’s neck than he did the play.

_

 

They were post sex, both still naked but Isak hadn't yet whined and whined about the cold so he could slide into Even's hoodie; it was unusual enough to make him worry.

 

When Even looked down at where Isak was curled against him and saw that his hooded eyes were distant and not focusing it just made that worry grow stronger, "Isak? How're you feeling baby?" He got like this every once in a while, when Even went particularly rough, he always asked for it, but afterwards he would be like this for any amount of time.

 

Isak didn't reply to his question with words, couldn't always, but he did give a small hum and tilt his chin up to ask for a kiss. Even was happy to oblige, giving sweet pecks to Isak's lips and letting his hands press firmly where they touched Isak's side and back - he'd have to stop when Isak became more lucid, but until then it helped with grounding him so he didn't float off too far.

 

He pulled his face from Isak's despite the sluggish protests that followed when Isak mumbled something against his lips, waited patiently for his brain to collect enough to say it again, "Is this what it's supposed to feel like?" The words were spread out and slow, like the thought had appeared and the wait to come back to Earth was too long to be considered.

 

"What what is supposed to feel like angel?"

 

He nuzzled back down against Even's side, sleepy, but replied, "Family."

 

It broke Even's heart. So he held his boy impossibly close and kissed his cheeks and forehead and eyelids and hair and anything else he could reach. "Oh _min sol_ , yes."

 

_

 

Isak had dragged Even to another party; Eva seemed to have an affinity for them, and he was currently watching his curly haired boy laugh and talk to Vilde and Eva from across the room. Isak was wearing his denim jacket – it didn’t feel like Even’s anymore with how often Isak was bundled up in it. He didn’t want to hover, liked that they could have a good time without being attached at the hip, but he still worried for his boy, his little _sol_.

 

“I used to do this too.” Jonas settled beside him and tipped his cup towards where Isak stood, “He’s easy to worry about; he doesn’t care if he gets hurt more often than he does. But he’s smart. He won’t leave them if he doesn’t have someone else to find. I think he knows that we worry.” And Jonas was right, and he knew Isak much better than Even could at this point but. He couldn’t help the dread the settled in him whenever he lost sight of Isak’s bouncy head of hair. If something like what Emma did all those nights ago happened and Even wasn’t there to take care of him right away? He’d have a hard time forgiving himself.

 

“I can’t help it sometimes.” Was the simple reply he gave instead of mapping out his fears. He and Jonas had a strange bond, they both cared about Isak to death, and both took care of him when he tried to take care of everyone else. It was a good friendship, and Even could tell Jonas appreciated the weight being lifted from his shoulders, appreciated seeing his best friend loved.

 

“I know.” They were quiet for a while, both watching Isak, and Even couldn’t help but smile when he caught Isak’s eyes. He leaned to say something to Eva before bounding over to where Even and Jonas stood.

 

“Evennnnnn.” His voice was whiny and he leaned against Even, hands around his neck to pull him down. “I need to tell you a secret, Jonas! Don’t listen.” His voice was so strict it was comical, Jonas laughed and plugged his ears when Even lowered his ear to Isak’s mouth obediently, “I want you to fuck me with this jacket on.” Wow. Alrighty. The way Jonas laughed at his reaction made it clear he had an idea what Isak was saying. Even wrapped an arm around his waist easily, under the jacket so he could inch his hand up under Isak’s shirt and relish in the way he shivered.

 

“Hey Jonas, tell the boys I’ll talk to them later okay? Turns out Isak forgot something in my room.” He gave a smirk and small shrug and Jonas laughed again, thick eyebrows lifting when he raised his hand to salute the pair.

 

“Have fun boys!”

 

And have fun they did.

 

_

 

One thing Isak and Even never did, was fight.

 

This statement was of course, not true, but Isak would argue it until the day he died, too worried that admitting that he and Even bickered and sometimes had to take time apart from each other would mean they weren’t as good for each other as they thought. The only time a fight got bad was when money was brought up. This only happened once before Even insisted that they both speak calmly whenever angry at the other.

 

Isak was at this school as an escape. He didn’t have a lot of money in the first place, so he had to cling to his science scholarship with all he had. He didn’t have anywhere to go if he lost his right to this school, and his parent’s house wasn’t even half of an option. When he snuck away to boarding school they made it crystal clear he wasn’t welcome back.

 

Even’s parents one the other hand were fucking **loaded** , Even lived in a cushy house similar to Eva’s, his parents paid his tuition and living expenses in full, gave him a generous allowance. Isak wasn’t sure why Even bothered working summer jobs, he hardly needed to.

 

So when Isak was trying to study for a midterm exam and Even showed up at his door, it was easy to see why he got aggravated when Even continuously insisted he take a break to go do _something_ with him.

 

“I can’t risk getting a bad grade on this Ev, I have to stay in.”

 

“Baby, just take a break! You shouldn’t be so stressed all the time about school.”

 

“We can’t all have rich loving parents who afford everything we want and need okay? I have to do this myself.” Isak bit the statement and Even seemed to move back, offended.

 

“Just because I care about your mental health doesn’t mean I don’t understand that you have to work hard.” His voice was a little tense, he was getting angry – _hide, this could be dangerous_ his brain told him, _shut the fuck up_ he told it back - and it so _wasn’t_ fair that he brought up mental health like it was some card. Just because Even was bipolar didn’t mean he got to tell Isak how to live.

 

“Don’t pull that mental health shit. I’ll be a lot worse off if I get kicked out of here.”

 

It escalated from there, and Jonas watched the entire thing forgotten from his bed until Even shouted something venomously and Isak lurched back. Then Jonas was at the door in an instant, the angriest stare he could manage pointed at Even while muttering for Isak to go sit. He shoved Even, maybe too aggressively for the immediate regret on his face, out of their door. “Fuck. _Fuck_. Jonas I’m so sorry, please let me apologize to him.”

 

“Do you have any god damn idea how hard it is for him to trust people?” Jonas could see red, he wanted to be back in his room, wanted to smooth down Isak’s hair fifteen times so he could be calm. His palm throbbed with the need to wash it where he had touched Even. “Do you realize how much he trusts _you_?” He spit the last word and Even looked like he had hit him, “Stay here. I’m going to talk to Isak. It’s up to him if you can come back.”

 

When Jonas disappeared behind the door he immediately when to Isak. He was sat on his bed, eyes and cheeks dry, just looking shell shocked. “Hair. Even is outside, do you want to see him?” He was keeping his voice as soft and low as he could while he pet Isak’s hair – he had stiffened at the touch, relaxing only once Jonas got to five, but his small frame still trembled, they had never had something like this happen. He didn’t know what it would do for Isak, didn’t know if he should call his therapist.

 

“I ruined it. I ruined everything with Even. I made him mad.” He barely seemed to acknowledge Jonas’s presence, shaking his head slowly to himself, distraught, “He’s mad and now he hates me.”

 

“No, Isak he’s right outside. Do you want to see him? Do you want me to let him in?” Isak looked up then, apparently only hearing Jonas now, “I can tell him to go away?”

 

Isak’s eyes went wide at this and he shook his head aggressively, “I want Even.” Jonas finished petting Isak’s hair with the hand he hadn’t used to shove Even. His anger with Even itched one of his palms while all of Isak’s fear and sadness sat like sludge on the other. He had to get them clean.

 

“Even! Come in.” He said it loud enough to be heard in the hallway without scaring Isak, waited for the door to open and Even to come in cautiously, wipe his feet and flash his eyes to Isak longingly before looking to Jonas. “He thinks you hate him. I need to clean my hand. Talk to him.” It was like opening the door at a horse race, Even was by Isak’s side in a second, hands hovering and voice low and sweet.

 

Jonas rushed into bathroom. He washed his hands with his nail brush until he couldn’t feel anymore tension sitting on top of his skin, until he had washed out the stubborn bits that clung to him and told him anything he touched would fester and grow Isak’s sadness from the sample he gave, until his best friend couldn’t escape it. His hands were red and raw, and drying them felt like punishment for what he had just done to his skin. But he was clean. And when he came back into the shared space Isak was sat between Even’s legs with a textbook on his lap, studying dutifully while Even played with his hair.

 

His head told him it was because Even had wiped his anger off by the soles of his shoes and Jonas washed Isak’s pain down their sink. Jonas’ hands didn’t hurt so badly when it was put that way.

 

_

 

It was 3:00 and Isak had a nightmare.

 

It was a school night, and not one of the occasional few that Even bribed Eskild so Isak could stay in his room unfortunately, so Isak was alone in his bed, gasping awake through tears that fell in his sleep. It was too vivid, one of many old memories he had never wanted to relive, and though Jonas was only a few feet away - and a good enough friend to put up with Isak through things like this - no one was able to comfort him like Even.

 

_til Even: are you awake?_

 

_til Even: I had a bad dream, wanna see you_

There was no reply for long enough that Isak was getting ready to wake Jonas when,

 

_Even: of course sunshine_

 

Still post-nightmare fuzzy, Isak pulled himself reluctantly from the safety of his bed, his only motivation being Even's comforting arms waiting for him, and hesitated for a moment before grabbing the denim jacket to wear on his journey. He didn't wear shoes, the fear in his stomach too strong to risk waking anyone up with the sound of sneakers on the hallway tile.

 

Halfway to Even's room he heard footstep coming towards him and froze in his spot. His whole body tensed and he squeezed his eyes shut as he waited for the appearance of his dad - _no, a teacher, calm down Isak_ \- to get him in trouble.

 

"Isak?" The word was so sad, but it was also in Even's voice, so Isak looked slowly, relaxing only a little when Even came into view, he stood a small distance away, good about letting Isak initiate everything when he was like this. " _Baby_." A pause, "Where are your shoes?"

 

"I'm sorry, too loud; I didn't want to wake anyone." His voice only cracked a little, he took one step forward, and at Even's tender expression he took last couple quickly, burying himself in his boyfriend's embrace. "I was too scared."

 

"Shh, I know love, you're safe okay? I won't let you go anywhere." He shushed Isak and starting walking back down the hall, to Isak's room, "I've got you okay?"

 

Isak's nod was enough for Even to keep going. When they got inside both wiped their feet, just in case Jonas asked, and Even tugged his jacket off of Isak insistently, hushing his protests gently, “Don’t need this when you’ve got the real thing.” He was right, he usually was.

 

After climbing into bed, Even turned to lay on his side so Isak could bury himself against him, two long arms encompassing the trembling boy in a protective grip. Neither of them slept, they didn’t usually when one of them was upset; when Jonas’ alarm started to blare Even’s grip was unwavering against Isak’s violent lurch. He wanted to apologize again, wanted to thank him a million times for everything he did for Isak without ever a word of complaint, but he and Skrulle agreed it was a good place to start for Isak to not apologize to Even. So he stayed silent while Even and Jonas exchanged greetings, twisted his fingers in Even’s shirt to distract and calm his brain when Jonas asked how Isak was and Even answered with the usual, “He’s okay. Quiet, scared, but okay.” After a pause he added, “Probably no classes today.”

 

 When Jonas left Even turned his face down to speak to Isak, “Do you want to tell me?” It was another thing they were working on, Isak opening up about what happened in his life. Skrulle said he had to start talking about it to someone outside of  her office, she wanted him to go to group therapy, he wanted to talk to Jonas – he already had the base information, it was easy – Even was a compromise.

 

“Yeah.” Isak took a shaky breath and tried to organize his thoughts, “It was about my dad. I was um, I had tried to lock my door, so he couldn’t come in, and he kicked it in and grabbed my throat and pressed until um, until I saw spots and my chest burnt and - ” He spoke slowly and stopped when his voice cracked. Even shushed him calmly, waited patiently for Isak to swallow his tears and steady his breath before continuing, “I wasn’t allowed to have a door after that.”

 

He couldn’t help a few tears from falling, and Even made no protest when Isak wiped his face on the t-shirt that he had creased from gripping tight. They stayed mostly like for that the rest of the morning.

 

By the time Isak received a text from Jonas asking if the boys could come over he had watched two of Even’s hipster movies and honestly could use the rowdiness to break the way the quiet let thoughts flow into his head that he had to work to push away.

 

When the boys crowded in, eyes immediately falling to Isak, he squirmed under the attention but smiled. He was a little endeared by the way Magnus seemed to vibrate. “How’re you feeling?” And then, “Hi Even.” If it wasn’t for Isak’s existence, no would love Even as much as Magnus did.

 

Even had been learning to sign, Isak was helping him, but with Isak wrapped up in his arms he didn’t complain when Isak offered to translate for Mahdi, it was nice once they fell into conversation. Magnus was still hooked on the idea of being a translator for concerts and trying to figure out what songs he should practice. Watching him try to sign along to Big Poppa had Isak really _really_ laughing. Jonas laughed with him and Mahdi put his face in his hands so he didn’t have to watch – _again_ , apparently this was Magnus’ thing at the moment. When he finished and asked what they thought, Even was the only one sobered enough from laughter to reply. “I think it’s really cool that you can do that to a song. I can’t even do normal conversation yet.” He gestured to where Isak was signing for him; Magnus fucking beamed.

 

“ _Does Even know he doesn’t have to be nice just because he’s dating you?”_ Mahdi asked.

 

“ _Yeah, he’s actually that nice, it’s weird.”_ They both laughed when Even whined about Isak’s refusal to translate, called bullshit when Isak claimed they were making secret plans to hook up when he finally got rid of Even.

 

“You really want to hook up with someone else?” He played mock hurt but it turned into a real smile when Isak put a hand on Even’s chest smiling and shaking his head.

 

“Never.” When Even pulled him in for a kiss Magnus cheered and Even only held him closer.

 

And, yeah. This was okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and it's over :'(
> 
> I really liked this verse, I won't say anything for sure but it might be too hard for me to let go of it, and i might write some one shots to tack onto it in a collection or something once in a while
> 
> THANK YOU to anyone who read it, i'm working on a nooreva fic maybe, and a yousana one shot maybe but people shouldn't expect things from me in general haha
> 
> i really loved all of your beautiful and kind words during this process, they definitely encouraged me! if you have something you'd really like to see done let me know in a comment or on my [tumblr!](%E2%80%9Dlarry-or-die.tumblr.com%E2%80%9D)
> 
> if you want you can also check out my iwhylym tag i'm sure ill still reblog things in there
> 
> just one last time, again from the bottom of my heart, thank you <3

**Author's Note:**

> im going to update every wednesday and sunday ish 
> 
> if you wanna yell at me you can always find me on tumblr


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